5 People Who Should Pay More… To Fly


 The biggest airline in Canada is Air Canada. I bet they stayed up all night to come up with that name. They were the first to charge the public $25 for the first piece of checked luggage. If your bag is over size and or over weight you could pay around $100 dollars. Hey, Get Off My Lawn.


 Now Canada’s so called discount airline West Jet, that Canada rallied behind at it’s inception, has slowly been adding those irritating little charges. Now they want to charge you for more leg room if you sit in the exit isle. There’s a higher priced ticket if you want a box lunch. Think of that, Airline food in a box. I bet there’ll be a line up for that perk. They are even going as far as to charge for Wi-Fi. This added on to the extra you pay for your bag and fuel surcharges, has brought what they’re charging in line with Air Canada. West-Jet seems to be following the business model set up by American Healthcare. You pay for every little thing.


If the air carriers are starting charging for things as stupid as leg room, here are a few suggestions what the airlines could charge extra for;

The person that is not wearing any deodorant. This person is always seated next to you. He or She is the one that is the first person up with arms raised high, to grab their carry on from the bin above. This person should pay more.

Bad Smell

On the other hand, charge the old lady seated 5 rows in front  of you, that wears a gallon of perfume a lot more. The scent permeates your clothing, so that when you get off the flight and hug your wife, she thinks you and a 90 year old church lady joined The Mile High Club.

Old lady

When you charge for baggage if forces folks to pack everything in a carry on. There is always the one or two people that have stuffed so much into their carry on it can’t fit into the overhead compartment. Thus while they wrestle with it like some UFC cage fighter, they block the isle’s before take off and trying to pry the bag out on landing. This holds everyone up behind them. Instant Extra Charge for these people.

Bag Sutff

If they’re going to charge for Wi-Fi they should have to police it like the Chinese Government. So that, when that guy beside you streams really crappy music and plays it so loud that people 3 rows over can hear it…all through his head phones, slap him upside the head with EXTRA charges. Oh It’s Kanye.

Plane Head Phones

If airlines are going to charge for extra leg room in the emergency exit isle, everyone else that has to chew on their knees for the flight, should get a BIG discount. Less leg room = lower price. Then there’s the Seat Kicker. Any one that does this during a flight should have to pay more or their parent should. Collected at the end of the flight.

Seat kicker

Airlines have said, people complain about these extra charges for a while but they finally accept it and pay up. Maybe the airlines should be forced to pay up. How about offering a $100 credit for every minute they’re late in landing? Just a thought.


I hope these suggestions help the airlines bottom line. I feel sorry for the crews on board a plane. They’re the ones that take the brunt of a plane filled with pissed off people. I’m sure you can think of other ways for airlines to collect extra fees. Don’t be shy, leave a comment below. Hey Airlines…”Get Off My Lawn”


Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host/Producer)

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Top 8 Hazing Pranks At The G20 Summit


   The new kid on the G20 block is Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. At just 43 he’s the youngest and the most inexperienced of all the G20 Leaders. Outside the doors of the G20 Summit, is the predictable circus of protesters. Little is known about what goes on behind the closed doors of this high power meeting except it has something to do with Money. As the each countries Prime Ministers, Chancellors, Kings and Grand Poo-Bah’s kick back and try to figure out the global economy, you have to think they can’t really be “serious” all the time. After minutes of research, I’ve found that out of all the countries involved the G20, there are a few jokers in the midst. You can bet that this noble group has rituals that are unknown to the general public. Like maybe, the hazing of new members. This brings us back to the young Canadian Prime Minister, Justine Trudeau. Here’s what’s in store for the fresh, new, young Canadian face at the G20….



Germany… These jokers of the EU will force Justin to pound back Jello Shots off of Angela Merkel’s chest.



The President of Indonesia, Joko Widodo …He makes Justin wear nothing but a thong at a meeting… This teaches Trudeau something every World leader knows, how to cover one’s ass.



Vladimir Putin from Russia…invites young Justin into the hotel freezer and tells him to stick your tongue on the metal door. After he tries in vane pull his frozen tongue off the door, Putin says…Sorry, I’ve only one form of warm liquid to free you. This teaches Trudeau … on the World stage, somethings can piss you off.



The President of CHINA…Amongst cheers from all the Leaders Trudeau has to give his laptop to Xi Jinping for 1 hour. Then without help, try to find the hack.



From Australia’s Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull…What a kidder he turns out to be. Malcom sticks a sign on Justin’s back saying, “Kick Me, I’m Canadian, watch me apologize”.



Salman, King of Saudi Arabia… Has a tried and true prank. He sneaks in while Trudeau is sleeping and puts his finger in a cup of warm oil.



Prime Minister David Cameron from the UK…Forces Justin to eat Haggis which is a sheeps stomach filled a surprise. Yes, with the stuff that comes out of the other end of the sheep. Trudeau cuts into it which releases the pressure.. BOOM…crap everywhere. Then he’s handed a note saying…”Hey kid, you have to learn to take some crap, some of the time”.



President of the United States Barack Obama… He’s got a real funny bone. At a lavish dinner he insists that Turkey is served (because the host country is Turkey, I guess). Before the turkey is cooked a small game hen is placed inside and cooked along with the massive bird. Then at dinner just as he’s about to carve it, he reaches inside and pulls out the small game hen. In a big voice he announces, “this turkey was to going to have a baby” and holding the game hen above his head, he states, “and we name it Justin”.



Here’s hoping all the leaders have a great time in Turkey at the G20 Summit. For Justin Trudeau this will be a learning experience and maybe a bit of fun will be had by all.

Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture


We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.


Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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Gloria Loring from “Days of Our Lives”

    I had the pleasure to sit down and chat with Gloria Loring, who you might remember from NBC’s “Days of Our Lives.” She tells us about her new book, the 50th Anniversary of “Days” and what she and her ex, Alan Thicke, did to help their son Robin Thicke over a rough patch in his life. Hope you enjoy our 10 minutes with this very special Lady.


Bryan Cox (Columnist, Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker)

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Canada ENDORSES.. Age, Sex and Disability Discrimination

Here it is Canada. Our Federal and Provincial Governments DO support Discrimination based on Sex, Age and Disability.

     I lodged a formal complaint with the Human Rights Commission of Saskatchewan. The complaint was based on the amount that Life Insurance Companies charge for Term Insurance to seniors or almost seniors, the fact that your are male or female and if you have any kind of disability.


    The older you are, the more you pay etc. Life Insurance Companies have got their butt covered with the help of Government. They get around the law, by saying that the buyer is signing a contract. Life insurance is a Provincial responsibility and every Government prohibits certain contracts because they might discriminate but it seems others are above the law. So it’s up to them to change the law. Here’s the reply from The Saskatchewan Human Rights Commission…
Human Rights reply

    Insurance Companies have been getting away with this law breaking practice forever, but in their case it’s age, sex and disability discrimination. You can hear the insurance companies whining, “well, we base all of our policies on Actuarial Tables”. These tables are the result of exhaustive studies that have been done to more less tell insurance companies just how long people will live and it’s these studies that are the bedrock of the insurance business. As you can see most Canadians choose Term Life contract.
what-life-insurance-policy-do-canadians-have   SO lets say, you were to open a business, where the only way to shop there, was if you had a membership and you only to sell to Asians? You surely would get your knuckles rapped by any Human Rights Commission. By the way, a membership is a contract. Of course you would have done study after study and maybe come up with an Actuarial Table to prove that Asians have a higher annual income than First Nation, White or Black people. Thus proving your contract is valid and you should be able to sell only to those who could, on a constant basis, afford your product.

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   If you are considering launching a complaint with your Provincial Human Rights Commission, I did a bit of leg work for you. I thought this just might be a Saskatchewan problem, so I reached out to all the Human Rights Commissions in every Province in Canada. I wanted to know that if they had a similar laws on their books protecting Life Insurance companies. Manitoba would consider investigating a Life Insurance discrimination complaint. PEI, Newfoundland, Labrador and British Columbia are in line with Saskatchewan and do protect Life Insurance from any such complaint. Alberta said that if the insurance complaint is reasonable and justifiable. Really, good luck with that, because in all matters about insurance are under the umbrella of “Reasonable and Justifiable”. I have to say when faced with a question all of the above Commissions were very good at replying and more than willing to help. At the time of publishing, Quebec, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Ontario had no comment. I can’t wait any longer. What, a week wasn’t good enough? You’re SOOOO busy, that you can even answer 1 email? I can only surmise that they have no interest in helping.

    Provincial Governments support the Life Insurance industry in Canada. Thus in turn, they’re supporting age, sex and disability Discrimination. The law, in all provinces is much different when it comes to insurance regarding a job. Discrimination in that case is a huge NO- NO. When it comes to the ordinary joe on the street, sorry we have to put up with it.

   This gives me pause to ask the question, how much do insurance companies contribute to election campaigns?
Someone asked me why the mainstream media hasn’t picked up on this massive scale of Discrimination. The answer is very simple, DOLLARS! The media doesn’t want to bite the hand that feeds. Insurance companies are one of the largest advertisers in the country.

    In my opinion, as this whole article has been, Insurance companies should start by scrapping term insurance or level the playing field for a 20 something to pay the same as a 60 year old person.
I’m so tired to frivolous claims of discrimination and mistreatment. These sometimes lead to lawsuits that are just as frivolous. When you find a true complaint that really hurts folks financially, it’s shrugged off and supported and endorsed by the Federal and Provincial Governments. In their mind it’s not worth it. So, we say to Politicians and the Insurance Industry “Hey Get Off My Lawn!”

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BRYAN COX (Speaker, Humourist, Columnist, Comedian)

“Ensure” Commercials Help the Homeless?

Ensure 2

    If you can’t laugh at yourself, please allow me to do it for you. The creativity of commercials really engage me. They’re the calling cards to show the World that you’re here and you should take notice of what they offer. When I see great commercials I actually send an email to the company and tell them just that. That makes me happy I work in the industry. When I see crap, it ends up here on the page, then that will be forwarded on to the company.
In the past we’ve scolded Canadian Political Parties for Ad Idea Theft http://wp.me/paHrp-g2 and caught McDonalds for the complete lack of creativity and copying the competition in their ads http://wp.me/paHrp-fR After mentioning this, they pulled their ad off of Youtube so I couldn’t use it as an example.

  We now take a look at a few commercials for Ensure. This is a nutritional drink. Their commercials seem to be aimed at the aging boomer. I’m not sure if these ads run in both Canada and the US. Canada has them for sure. I’ve looked for a copy of these spots on YouTube but they haven’t put them up yet or they realized they were so stupid , they took them down.


   Ensure commercial #1 that pisses me off.
Here’s what might have been pitched to Abbott, makers of Ensure, by some ad agency executive that was on meth or had been on 3 week bender before the presentation.

   A healthy looking man, maybe in his early 60’s is playing soccer, with what seems to be his grandson. There is a wooded area behind the huge grandfather guarded goal net. Boy kicks the ball and it goes over the net into the wooded area. Then we see a the plastic Ensure bottle start rolling down a hill bouncing and turning. Grandfather ends up behind the net looking for the ball. Low and behold a bottle of Ensure rolls up to his feet. He picks it up off the ground and drinks it.

   Ensure commercial #2 …pretty well the same as the first
A shot of a busy healthy woman, maybe in her late 50’s early 60’s. I’ve never been good a judging a woman’s age, so let’s move on. She’s shopping, running from place to place. Break away to a shot of a bottle of Ensure rolling, bouncing and turning through the city streets. The woman arrives at the bottom of a massive outdoor staircase, which would kill most out of shape climbers. She gazes up, just as the bottle of Ensure rolls down. She picks the bottle up and drinks it.


    I’m so much like you, whenever we see a bottle of anything sitting on the ground, we look around, then pick it up, and drink it. Come on, really? Picking crap up off the ground, then consume it? This begs the questions, are they marketing to the homeless? What kind of drugs are in Ensure that your parent company, Abbott, would fall for such a campaign? Did the advertising agency have a picture of Abbott management with a goat or something to make you go for this kind of advertising?


     Abbott you really got the wool pulled over your eyes by some smart talking, chart showing pitchman who does not live in the real world. You probably spent a fortune on those spots. So, to Abbott and the ad agency that came up with the creative for these spots, here’s a FREE idea encompassing another product you sell.

Pedialyte … replaces minerals and nutrient loss because of vomiting and diarrhea.
CommercialSomewhere in the hood, deep in a dimly lit back alley. We see 2 drug addicts puking their guts out. After they’re finished they decide to go dumpster diving and come up with a half used bottle of Pedialyte.
Voice over, which I’d be happy to supply you with, comes in, “Sometimes, you have to go DEEP for …RELIEF”.


   If you’re going to spend your advertising dollar on something make sure you get a product that shows you in a good light and not something that’s comical, unless you were going for comedy. Until you guys come down off of what your on, “Hey Get Off My Lawn” WAIT, Here’s a thought, I could throw stuff on my lawn and you could come over and eat it.

Ensure 1jpg

Bryan Cox (Author/Speaker/Ad Critic/ Comedian/Lover of the back/slash)

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Stupidity… Not YOU?


   Stupidity is everywhere and in their own minds, people are using it to make our society a safer place. Peoples stupidity is the basis of Hey Get Off My Lawn. Here are a few examples of what we consider stupid, from our good buddy Matt Roberts over at unciviltruth.com.

—The idiots who wear a football jersey to play fantasy football.


— Paul Walker’s daughter suing Porsche because her dad was a fucking dolt who knowingly got into the car to drag race on a public street and then died when the car crashed and caught fire.


   Now you’re getting the idea. Here are a few more for you from Hey Get Off My Lawn and PLEASE feel free to add your examples of stupid in the comment section.

—The woman that sued McDonalds because her coffee was to hot. Now the rest of civilization has to bring the coffee home and microwave it.


   This suing at the drop of a hat, seems to be a problem in the US. People sue for the littlest things. It shows the public a couple of things, you’re stupid and greedy. If you don’t think the public is saying that, you might want to buy a “little bus” with your winnings, to get around in. It also shows the public that you don’t care what people think of you…. hell, you’re rich you shouldn’t care what others, in your little trailer park of Life, think.
I’m sure somewhere in you’re warped little minds you’re saying, I’m sure making a world a safer place by doing this.” OK, moving on.


—How about the guy that spends $800 on a truck or car. Then spends $1500 jacking it up 4 feet and adds a rapping muffler and pipes to make people think he’s driving a Semi. Then adds a $2000 stereo system that’s heard 4 miles away. Remember, studies have shown, the higher your truck is jacked up…the lower your IQ.


— IKEA — kids have been getting caught up in the cords on Venetian type blinds. There have been a few deaths as well. IKEA say’s they’ll now stop selling the killer blinds. Others are following. This begs the question, Just how stupid are the parents not to notice this danger? What does it take to pound a nail high up on the wall, to keep the cord out of the reach of kids?
Yes IKEA avoid that frivolous lawsuit.


— Donald Trump—Has made the whole World look at the Election process of the United States and….laugh. In just about every election in the World from Civic to National, there is always one candidate that walks the fine edge of being serious and having folks say, “oh that’s the idiot”. But really, to have him lead in the polls, that’s embarking on the stupid train.


—The person that’s turning left and put’s his signal light on, half way thru the turn. Or people that leave their signal light on…. through all the phases of the Moon.
You could spend hours if not days, listing the stupid things that people do while driving. The fact is that you might not be a generally stupid person but when you get behind the wheel, you will do stupid things and I’m one of those on occasion.


   It’s around us everywhere. Just think without stupidity Comedians would have an extremely hard time getting material. CNN and other news outlets would have to start showing porn or something, because there’d be no stories. How many times have you watched the news and said, “That’s just Stupid”? Stupidity, I guess, makes us better people and more self aware, just by looking at the stupid and saying, “Damn I’m so lucky, I’m not that guy.”
This reminds me of the saying, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, please allow me to do it for you.” Until you hear the laughter, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn!”I-m-allegic-to-stupidity

BRYAN COX (Author/Speaker/Comedian/Lover of the Back/Slash)

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