Archive for the ‘Author’ Category

10 New Murphy’s Laws

A New Look at Murphy’s Law

Murphy’s Law (“If anything can go wrong, it will”) was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base.

 

It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Projects.

 

After finding a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, “If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll find it.”

 

It’s been said about Murphy’s death, “One dark evening, Mr. Murphy’s car ran out of gas. As he hitchhiked to a gas station, while facing traffic and wearing white, he was struck from behind by a British tourist who was driving on the wrong side of the road.”

 

Nowadays we see that Murphy’s Law is still alive and well. Here are 10 quick examples for you.

 

–Fill the open tray bird feeder…It will snow or rain.

 

–At the intersection, the guy in front of you will alway turn his signal light on as the light turns green.

 

–The airport washroom automatic faucet will turn off way before your finished washing your hands.

 

–When sending an email, you will forget “send to all.”

 

–The quicker you need information from the internet, is directly correlated with password memory.

 

–Waiting for a meal at a restaurant, you know it will arrive, just as you go outside for a smoke or go to the washroom.

 

–Guys, when your wife asks you to do something, you will realize that you did it wrong and it will be pointed out that there are better ways of doing it.

 

–When you fill your tank, the price of gas will fall the next day.

 

–Your cat will have puked directly in your path, as you walk out of a dark room in bare feet.

 

–The day that 5 hookers send you friend requests on Facebook, you wife decides to check your page.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Speaker)

The Top 8 Saskatchewan Travel Tips

Saskatchewan Canada

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   Ok Canada, if you’re going to make Saskatchewan your travel destination this year, here are a few tips to help make your vacation an unforgettable experience.

 

GOLF…. We have some of the most challenging courses in Canada. Roughly, we golf for 3 months out of the year. For some of us it takes that long to finish a game. Saskatchewan is the easiest Province to achieve a “Hole in One”.  The ball will go in the hole, but watch out, it might be a gopher hole. In our game, that’s still a hole in one. 0706sask_ground

HOOKING UP….. Saskatchewan people are super friendly. Guys, a never fail line to use if you want to meet a Saskatchewan single girl in, let’s say in a parking lot, is, “Hey, nice truck.” Ladies, meeting the perfect Saskatchewan man is a bit different. Just say, “Hey, which one of these trucks is yours, is it the one with the stereo I heard 5 blocks away?” Before you know it, both of you will be off to the Tractor Pull together.

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PREPPING YOUR VEHICLE…. People in Saskatchewan will tell you, leave your snow tires on until the end of July. Good advice, take it.

 

DRIVING… Yes, our land is flat and our roads are straight. There is a method to this madness. The whole purpose, is so that the Government can count the amount people moving back to Sask from Alberta and Manitoba, without leaving Regina.

 

FITTING IN… To truly fit in you have to look like a Saskatchewan person. Your face tan should start just above the eyebrow, down to the base of the neck. This is achieved by wearing a ball cap, everywhere. The only other area that should have a tan, starts mid-bicep to the tip of the fingers. We call that “The Farmer Tan.” Guys, never refer to your spouse as, my better half, my wife or the old lady. Always call her “The Wife.”

 

NIGHTLIFE… People in the Province love going out to restaurants. After all, the word “Chew” is in “Saskatchewan”. Leave that custom made suit or designer dress at home. Ask yourself what the locals ask themselves, “Can I wear jeans? Or do I have to dress up… in my good jeans?” The “Ball Cap” with a John Deere logo is always considered a great accessory.

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POLITICS… To let you know, The Saskatchewan Party is in power here. As you can tell they must have stayed up all night to come up with that party name. Things don’t change to much here. The Sask Party has been the Government since 2007.

 

TIME… Like the Government, it doesn’t change. As the rest of Canada wastes time trying to figure out, is it an hour ahead or behind, we in Saskatchewan don’t change our clocks. Some call us “The Land Time Forgot.”

 

   Saskatchewan isn’t the “you can watch your dog run away for three days” Province. We have a lot to offer the vacation traveller. Our people are fun and have huge hearts. Safe travels and watch out for deer and moose and if you think Saskatchewan is boring… “Hey, Get Off My Lawn!”

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Speaker, Author and Stand-Up Comic)

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Two Justin’s…Can We Tell Them Apart?

It used to be a term that you heard on newscast, “This Just In” or on phones at airports, “I’m just in, come and pick me up.” Canada is becoming known as the land of Justins. Two of the most famous are hard to tell apart. Let’s try;

 

BieberTrudeau

 

 

One throws insults in the House ….the other throws eggs at a house.

 

One was born with a silver spoon in his mouth….the other has a silver spoon around his nose.

 

One has a house full of fast and loose cars…the other has a house full of fast and loose Senators.

 

One gave an election promise of drug reform…the other, with all his fast living, might need drugs to get an erection.

 

One can say “pass the salt” in French and English because thats the law…And the “law” say’s to the other, “Here’s a charge of Assault.”

 

One’s named Trudeau…the other is rolling in dough.

 

One charges up a country with the slogan “Sunny Ways”… the other was charged with dangerous driving on “sunny way.”

 

One wants to legalize pot…the other wants Canada to smoke it, to get rid of pain… The pain of embarrassment.

 

One welcomes refugees from all over the World, but tells the US , “please keep that one.”

 

So it goes, the battle of the two Justin’s in the US and in Canada.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host/Producer, Author, Comedian, Speaker) and Thanks to Paul Lander (Super Comedy Guy)

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Political Correctness Over The Edge

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   Political Correctness is a subject that translates emotions from both sides of the fence into an exploding war of words. Discussion is good. So we’re going to discuss, names.

 

From one side of the fence when a person calls for a name change for a sports team, a mall or whatever, the other side thinks that group or person, “has way to much time on their hands.” If you keep reading, you’ll realize that I too, have way to much time.

 
   Recently in Canada, Natan Obed, president of Inuit Tapiriit Kanatami, a national Inuit organization, called for a name change of the CFL’s Edmonton Eskimos. He thinks the name is derogatory to First Nations peoples. This is a lot like what the Washington Redskins are going through. Speaking as an old school white guy, ok “Redskins” might be pushing the boundary a bit. We can all understand that one.

 
   If you want to get silly about things, the Chicago Bears or Detroit Lions should have PETA in a fighting mad mood. How can you malign good animals that? So what’s next, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers pissing off a Somalian Pirate Assoc.? The CFL’s Ottawa Red Blacks will have to do a name change, because I’m sure there’s a Communist Afro-Canadian Organization. Another sport will be touched as well, Womans Hockey. They’ll have to come up with a new name for each 20 minutes of play. There will be some feminist group complaining about the word “Period.”

 
   I’m mentioned all this because I’ve grown up with a name that could offend someone. When I worked in radio I had more than one boss ask me to change my name. “Cox” might offend people is what I heard. I grew up with the name and I’m proud of the name my Father gave me. So it’s not going to change. That explanation was good enough for any station I worked at. Do I stand up and yell that the poultry business having to change the name of Roosters? Oh Boo-hoo, someone might construe that I’m gutless and might think I’m a chicken. Bite me! I can’t tell how many times through school and at radio events that someone, thinking they’re so smart, has called me “Harry” or “Is your sisters name Anita?”. Now, as a stand-up comic, I can make fun of my name and I’m getting paid to do it. Who’s the smart one now?

 
   They say, that if you are picked on a lot, you grow up either really tough or you develop a sense of humour. I chose the latter. A lot of us wish that these complainers would do the same. Laughter is a gift, use it or Get Off My Lawn.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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Canada’s New… Pot Anthem

Canada has a new Government. The Liberal Party promised during the election campaign that they would make Pot legal. Everyone knows that “BC Bud” is amongst the best in the World. Not to mention the healing power of British Columbia’s amazing little plant. There has been no timetable set out about when the legalization will take place but it will happen. Things will change in Canada when this legalization takes place. Here’s our rendition of what the National Anthem might sound like when Canada opens the door. This was put together by Bryan Cox and Jason leBlanc.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Speaker and Comedian)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

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We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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Gloria Loring from “Days of Our Lives”

    I had the pleasure to sit down and chat with Gloria Loring, who you might remember from NBC’s “Days of Our Lives.” She tells us about her new book, the 50th Anniversary of “Days” and what she and her ex, Alan Thicke, did to help their son Robin Thicke over a rough patch in his life. Hope you enjoy our 10 minutes with this very special Lady.

 

Bryan Cox (Columnist, Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker)

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Ok, Gave It Up, Call Me A Quitter!

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    Well, it’s been around the 6 month mark of not smoking. After 2 bouts with Cancer, putting up with constant nagging from Doctors, family to good friends, I thought maybe, it’s time. 40 years was long enough. It wasn’t the doctors that got to me. Oh God, their stuff is just getting old. They blame *everything* on the fact you smoke. You walk in with a broken toe because you stubbed it, the doc says…”Well the reason you toe broke is because you probably had smoke in your eyes and couldn’t see where you were you were going…I can’t stress enough, QUIT SMOKING”Blah Blah Blah.

   Damn, I loved it though. I find myself cruising used car lots finding and sitting in the cars that were smoked in. I’m even putting car air fresheners in my meat smoker and letting them slow roast over a pack Benson and Hedges, then selling them on the “I used to smoke” Black Market. I’m kind of in a space like a food addict would be in, when he discovers there’s a food channel.

   Life changes for you and those around you when you don’t smoke. Some good and some bad.

   Loneliness? oh hell ya, No more going outside when it’s -40 making new friends with folks that love to say, “Cold enough for ya”.

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   NOW, I have to be like every other guy on the Planet and fall asleep after SEX, because there’s no more smokin’ SORRY ladies no more chatting.  OK, I can here the jokes…”what no more smokin’, have you looked?”

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  Yes folks, thanks to me band-aid companies will go broke and thousands will be out of job. No more going to pull the cigarette out of my mouth and as my fingers slide down just to have the burning end comes off between my fore and middle finger.

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   Yes it will be my fault that the environment will end up in the dumper..no more saving my empties to afford a 15 dollar (Canada) pack of smokes. Yes, this is also a picture of every lonely non smoking Canadian Comedian, in his natural Habitat.

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   One good thing about quiting smoking, is that there is more of an employment opportunity for kids coming out of school …. in the Anger Management field.

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   No more burn marks on my cars back seat. That’s right no more butts being pushed back in the car by the wind when I flick them out of the window. This means we can say GOOD BYE to the Mom and Pop Car Upholstery business.

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   I thought because I owned an iPhone and a Mac computer made me enough of a self righteous ass. Now lets add in, the looking down your nose non-smoker, Holy Crap, pretty soon this will be me. It’s always so nice …above the water.

Walk on water
But back to that Loneliness thing again.

   Come to think of it, I had more friends when I smoked. I think because I was more of an even keel. Sure I make fun of it, but know it’s better for me and everyone else that hangs out around me. This bit, by the way, was only about quitting smoking cigarettes.  Even though I don’t use them any more, I’m still in love with Cigarettes, ….butt soon, very soon I’ll be able to  say to them, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn”.

Bryan Cox,  (Radio Host/Comedian/Speaker/Author/Lover of the Back/Slash

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Has “McDonalds” GIVEN UP?

   mcdonalds-logo

   

I love, love, love anything or anybody that shows …creativity! When public perception and I see that one of the biggest Corporations in the World, just sitting on their sacks of money and copying ideas from others, I know that we might be close to “End of Days”.

   In Canada, it looks like McDonalds have either decided of jump off the Creative Commercial train or have been taken to the cleaners by a very un-creative Ad Agency that might be run by, Clowns.

   Let’s have a look at one campaign … Back in Jan-Feb 2015 Lays Chips ran a cleaver campaign asking Canada to pick a flavour that best represented their area of Canada.. Here have a look

    In the SUMMER of 2015, McDonalds offered flavours from a different region of Canada…The “McLobster” represented Atlantic Canada, Maple and Bacon Poutine repped Quebec, “The Nanaimo Crumble” stood tall for the West Coast, “Cottage Country Chicken” counted Ontario in and Western Canada was shown off through the Western BBQ Burger. McDonalds this was a blatant rip off from the Lays idea.

 As they say in commercials, “We won’t stop there…Wait …there’s more.”

  A & W has been doing commercials for over 2 years, where they have a spokesman go out on the street or to events and offer folks food and then get’s their comments. Have a peek at this…

    Now, I don’t know what McDonalds paid the “McClown Ad Agency” for this completely original advertising idea, but if you keep reading I might have a few for you… Have a look

Oh and look what McDonalds did after I posted this revealing video…made it private. Anyway there was spokesperson carrying out burgers to a group at the Calgary Stampede then asking them what they think. Duh….A&W has been doing that for years.
   I have to tell you, I’m in that advertising game, writing and voicing. Knowing first hand how hard it is to come up with an idea that will blow someone away. So when I see huge companies like McDonalds giving up the Creative ghost, I have to shake my head.
   Hey, McDonalds or Ad Guys from McClown, you can steal these ideas. Or, pay me even hire me, that would be nice. Oh by the way, I’m sure noooo one has thought of these, but feel free to add some of your own folks…ha ha

—Instead of having a Clown with red hair as your mascot. Why not hire just a cute, hot woman with red hair?

—How about a burger that disappears so fast and cleans on the way out…you could call it the Mr McClean?

—A giant Fish Sandwich that comes with a story just as big, call it The McWhopper…ya, “whopper” is a good name.

  To solve some of the Worlds problems, plus keep us all entertained while you do it, we have to be, CREATIVE. Please don’t give up. Whether you’re an author, commercial copy writer, lawyer what ever, just never stop being CREATIVE. The World will be a better place for it. Hey, McDonalds and your Ad Guys…Get Off My Lawn!

Bryan Cox…. Radio Host/Author/Speaker/Lover of the Back-slash/

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