Archive for the ‘Elderly’ Category

3 Possible Fake News Stories

The Medical Industry is in Bed with Soft Water Companies and Opthamologists

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Trips and Falls

To keep medicine rocking they need business so the soft water folks are working with them to make tubs and showers super slippery. You know what I mean if you’ve ever showered in soft water. You end up doing some kind of weird Michael Jackson dance when trying to get out or in. Just how many people that fall and injure themselves, have soft water?
Plus, they say that you should listen to your favourite song in the shower. To save water, you should be finished when the song ends. With soft water, to get that real squeaky feel to your skin like with hard water, the song should be In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida or any entire Beethoven Symphony.

 

Another group that add to trips and falls, especially for older folks, are the optometrists and opthamologists. These Doctors prescribe Bi-Focals which are now called “progressive lenses”. If you don’t have them, let me explain, each lens is made up with two parts, when you look through the top half of the glass you see normally. When you look through the bottom half everything looks huge, which is good for reading. The question is, do folks wearing progressive lenses fall on stairs more because they are looking through the bottom half?

falling-downThese stairs must look huge. I myself, offer them to my wife when I come to bed (Wink Wink)

Big Brother is Watching???

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Where I live the phone company offers a lot. They offer a TV service with a ton of channels, Phone service, Internet and even home security. So if the police want to find you or find out about you, all they have to do is make one call …to the phone company. They’ll know if you’re home or not home, who you’re talking to, what TV shows you like and what kind of porn you like.

                                                   Your DNA is Under Attack

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Recently I’ve noticed a huge advertising push for DNA. If the cops were to come up to you on the street and ask for your DNA, I’m pretty sure I’d know what you’d say. If a company advertises for your DNA with an offer that they’ll tell you where you came from and what diseases you “might” get, that’s just fine. All you have to do is send them a sample of your DNA and you pay them to do that. One commercial stands out. A lady says, a lot of my friends ask me, what am I? So she sends her DNA in and finds out she’s…asian, indian and whatever. Listen, if you’ve people are coming up to you and asking what you are…you need to find a better group of “friends”, girl.

 
Here it is, you send you’re DNA to a company you don’t know and they send you some pie chart of fluffy information back in the mail. What then, is your DNA kept on file for law enforcement agencies? Is it being used in experiments? Is your DNA being spliced with an alien life form that they captured years before? Oh, and they have them, you know that. I’ve also found out that those DNA kits don’t make the best baby shower gift!

 

This was just a little finger poking fun at some of the “theories” that are out there. So watch out for Fake News because this is the kind of stuff they grab on to.

                                       Always question never accept!

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author and humble guy)

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How to Handle a Presidential Heckler

Hecklers

“Two of the greatest Hecklers of all time”–Bryan Cox

Hillary Clinton got heckled the other day. Her response was, “You’re Rude.” Ok, in my mind, that was being to nice. What the candidates need, is to hire a comedian. There is no one better to write “Heckler Handlers.” The unwritten rule for comedians, is to allow the heckler 3 shots at you, then have the person tossed out. I say to all US Presidential Candidates, don’t toss them after the first shot. Give them the same treatment they’re giving you…a little disrespect. Sure you might get into a bit of trouble for it but it would make for a nice bit on the News. As Trump can testify to, “There’s no such thing as bad press.” Here are few suggestions for all of you.

Hillary

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         “I would like you to go to the bathroom and buy a condom…because if you’re going to be a dick, you might as well dress like one.”—Hillary

 

Christie “I could come over there and just *sit* on you. I’m being nice because… I took the letter H out of that.” — Christie

 

Cruz                                                                            “See what happens when we let Canadians in here. What happened to being polite?” — Cruz

 

Rubio

“Well, look what rode in on the “Little Bus””. —Rubio

Carson

“This is why we should teach everything we know about birth control, to our kids.” —Carson

Trump

            “You can stay, but you’re another reason a “wall” is a good idea.” —Trump

Sanders

“You’re so confused you probably think Fleetwood Mac is something from McDonalds.” — Sanders

Bush

  “We have something in common. My poll number seems to match your IQ number.”—Bush

Huckabee

                                  “People ask me “What do you get when cousins mate?”….One, a person that believes Fox News, and the other is that person right there.”—Huckabee.

 

Fiorina

“Nice to see a person that finally has a handle on News Issues, even though it takes him 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes””— Fiorina

Kasich

“Just before the speech tonight that’s the guy that stared at an orange juice container for 3 hours …because it said “concentrate”” — Kasich

Of course none of these folks actually said these lines, but maybe they should start. Any of the candidates can feel free to mix and match any of these, but all I’m saying is “please be a bit more creative” and if all else fails, look to John McCain’s line…”Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

 

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

Political Correctness Over The Edge

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   Political Correctness is a subject that translates emotions from both sides of the fence into an exploding war of words. Discussion is good. So we’re going to discuss, names.

 

From one side of the fence when a person calls for a name change for a sports team, a mall or whatever, the other side thinks that group or person, “has way to much time on their hands.” If you keep reading, you’ll realize that I too, have way to much time.

 
   Recently in Canada, Natan Obed, president of Inuit Tapiriit Kanatami, a national Inuit organization, called for a name change of the CFL’s Edmonton Eskimos. He thinks the name is derogatory to First Nations peoples. This is a lot like what the Washington Redskins are going through. Speaking as an old school white guy, ok “Redskins” might be pushing the boundary a bit. We can all understand that one.

 
   If you want to get silly about things, the Chicago Bears or Detroit Lions should have PETA in a fighting mad mood. How can you malign good animals that? So what’s next, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers pissing off a Somalian Pirate Assoc.? The CFL’s Ottawa Red Blacks will have to do a name change, because I’m sure there’s a Communist Afro-Canadian Organization. Another sport will be touched as well, Womans Hockey. They’ll have to come up with a new name for each 20 minutes of play. There will be some feminist group complaining about the word “Period.”

 
   I’m mentioned all this because I’ve grown up with a name that could offend someone. When I worked in radio I had more than one boss ask me to change my name. “Cox” might offend people is what I heard. I grew up with the name and I’m proud of the name my Father gave me. So it’s not going to change. That explanation was good enough for any station I worked at. Do I stand up and yell that the poultry business having to change the name of Roosters? Oh Boo-hoo, someone might construe that I’m gutless and might think I’m a chicken. Bite me! I can’t tell how many times through school and at radio events that someone, thinking they’re so smart, has called me “Harry” or “Is your sisters name Anita?”. Now, as a stand-up comic, I can make fun of my name and I’m getting paid to do it. Who’s the smart one now?

 
   They say, that if you are picked on a lot, you grow up either really tough or you develop a sense of humour. I chose the latter. A lot of us wish that these complainers would do the same. Laughter is a gift, use it or Get Off My Lawn.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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Canada’s New… Pot Anthem

Canada has a new Government. The Liberal Party promised during the election campaign that they would make Pot legal. Everyone knows that “BC Bud” is amongst the best in the World. Not to mention the healing power of British Columbia’s amazing little plant. There has been no timetable set out about when the legalization will take place but it will happen. Things will change in Canada when this legalization takes place. Here’s our rendition of what the National Anthem might sound like when Canada opens the door. This was put together by Bryan Cox and Jason leBlanc.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Speaker and Comedian)

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“Ensure” Commercials Help the Homeless?

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    If you can’t laugh at yourself, please allow me to do it for you. The creativity of commercials really engage me. They’re the calling cards to show the World that you’re here and you should take notice of what they offer. When I see great commercials I actually send an email to the company and tell them just that. That makes me happy I work in the industry. When I see crap, it ends up here on the page, then that will be forwarded on to the company.
In the past we’ve scolded Canadian Political Parties for Ad Idea Theft http://wp.me/paHrp-g2 and caught McDonalds for the complete lack of creativity and copying the competition in their ads http://wp.me/paHrp-fR After mentioning this, they pulled their ad off of Youtube so I couldn’t use it as an example.

  We now take a look at a few commercials for Ensure. This is a nutritional drink. Their commercials seem to be aimed at the aging boomer. I’m not sure if these ads run in both Canada and the US. Canada has them for sure. I’ve looked for a copy of these spots on YouTube but they haven’t put them up yet or they realized they were so stupid , they took them down.

 

   Ensure commercial #1 that pisses me off.
Here’s what might have been pitched to Abbott, makers of Ensure, by some ad agency executive that was on meth or had been on 3 week bender before the presentation.

   A healthy looking man, maybe in his early 60’s is playing soccer, with what seems to be his grandson. There is a wooded area behind the huge grandfather guarded goal net. Boy kicks the ball and it goes over the net into the wooded area. Then we see a the plastic Ensure bottle start rolling down a hill bouncing and turning. Grandfather ends up behind the net looking for the ball. Low and behold a bottle of Ensure rolls up to his feet. He picks it up off the ground and drinks it.

   Ensure commercial #2 …pretty well the same as the first
A shot of a busy healthy woman, maybe in her late 50’s early 60’s. I’ve never been good a judging a woman’s age, so let’s move on. She’s shopping, running from place to place. Break away to a shot of a bottle of Ensure rolling, bouncing and turning through the city streets. The woman arrives at the bottom of a massive outdoor staircase, which would kill most out of shape climbers. She gazes up, just as the bottle of Ensure rolls down. She picks the bottle up and drinks it.

 

    I’m so much like you, whenever we see a bottle of anything sitting on the ground, we look around, then pick it up, and drink it. Come on, really? Picking crap up off the ground, then consume it? This begs the questions, are they marketing to the homeless? What kind of drugs are in Ensure that your parent company, Abbott, would fall for such a campaign? Did the advertising agency have a picture of Abbott management with a goat or something to make you go for this kind of advertising?

 

     Abbott you really got the wool pulled over your eyes by some smart talking, chart showing pitchman who does not live in the real world. You probably spent a fortune on those spots. So, to Abbott and the ad agency that came up with the creative for these spots, here’s a FREE idea encompassing another product you sell.

Pedialyte … replaces minerals and nutrient loss because of vomiting and diarrhea.
CommercialSomewhere in the hood, deep in a dimly lit back alley. We see 2 drug addicts puking their guts out. After they’re finished they decide to go dumpster diving and come up with a half used bottle of Pedialyte.
Voice over, which I’d be happy to supply you with, comes in, “Sometimes, you have to go DEEP for …RELIEF”.

 

   If you’re going to spend your advertising dollar on something make sure you get a product that shows you in a good light and not something that’s comical, unless you were going for comedy. Until you guys come down off of what your on, “Hey Get Off My Lawn” WAIT, Here’s a thought, I could throw stuff on my lawn and you could come over and eat it.

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Bryan Cox (Author/Speaker/Ad Critic/ Comedian/Lover of the back/slash)

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Ok, Gave It Up, Call Me A Quitter!

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    Well, it’s been around the 6 month mark of not smoking. After 2 bouts with Cancer, putting up with constant nagging from Doctors, family to good friends, I thought maybe, it’s time. 40 years was long enough. It wasn’t the doctors that got to me. Oh God, their stuff is just getting old. They blame *everything* on the fact you smoke. You walk in with a broken toe because you stubbed it, the doc says…”Well the reason you toe broke is because you probably had smoke in your eyes and couldn’t see where you were you were going…I can’t stress enough, QUIT SMOKING”Blah Blah Blah.

   Damn, I loved it though. I find myself cruising used car lots finding and sitting in the cars that were smoked in. I’m even putting car air fresheners in my meat smoker and letting them slow roast over a pack Benson and Hedges, then selling them on the “I used to smoke” Black Market. I’m kind of in a space like a food addict would be in, when he discovers there’s a food channel.

   Life changes for you and those around you when you don’t smoke. Some good and some bad.

   Loneliness? oh hell ya, No more going outside when it’s -40 making new friends with folks that love to say, “Cold enough for ya”.

H-119

   NOW, I have to be like every other guy on the Planet and fall asleep after SEX, because there’s no more smokin’ SORRY ladies no more chatting.  OK, I can here the jokes…”what no more smokin’, have you looked?”

sleep-after-sex

  Yes folks, thanks to me band-aid companies will go broke and thousands will be out of job. No more going to pull the cigarette out of my mouth and as my fingers slide down just to have the burning end comes off between my fore and middle finger.

Finger burn

   Yes it will be my fault that the environment will end up in the dumper..no more saving my empties to afford a 15 dollar (Canada) pack of smokes. Yes, this is also a picture of every lonely non smoking Canadian Comedian, in his natural Habitat.

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   One good thing about quiting smoking, is that there is more of an employment opportunity for kids coming out of school …. in the Anger Management field.

anger management

   No more burn marks on my cars back seat. That’s right no more butts being pushed back in the car by the wind when I flick them out of the window. This means we can say GOOD BYE to the Mom and Pop Car Upholstery business.

Cig-burn-to-patterned-seat

   I thought because I owned an iPhone and a Mac computer made me enough of a self righteous ass. Now lets add in, the looking down your nose non-smoker, Holy Crap, pretty soon this will be me. It’s always so nice …above the water.

Walk on water
But back to that Loneliness thing again.

   Come to think of it, I had more friends when I smoked. I think because I was more of an even keel. Sure I make fun of it, but know it’s better for me and everyone else that hangs out around me. This bit, by the way, was only about quitting smoking cigarettes.  Even though I don’t use them any more, I’m still in love with Cigarettes, ….butt soon, very soon I’ll be able to  say to them, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn”.

Bryan Cox,  (Radio Host/Comedian/Speaker/Author/Lover of the Back/Slash

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Politicans Endorse Discrimination and RAPE!

Politicians in the USA and Canada endorse discrimination !! They don’t mind seeing the elderly financially RAPED. Not one politician replied to my inquiries about the discriminatory practices of Insurance companies and Term Life policies.

Even the OmbudService for Life & Health Insurance endorse the discriminatory practices of Insurance companies in Canada, just look at this quote from that office, who by the way, is the office that handles complaints about insurance……
”You are quite right that insurance companies discriminate.  For example, younger people pay lower life insurance premiums than older people (age discrimination).  Since women live longer than men, they pay lower life insurance premiums (sex discrimination).   An individual who has just been diagnosed with an invasive cancer will not be able to obtain medically underwritten life or health insurance (discrimination based on physical infirmity).  And, older experienced drivers pay lower car insurance premiums than teenagers (again, age discrimination)”.

Insurance Companies have been getting away with this kind of practice forever, but in their case it’s age, sex and disability discrimination. You can hear the insurance companies whining, “well, we base all of our policies on Actuarial Tables”. These tables are the result of exhaustive studies that have been done to more less tell insurance companies just how long people will live and it’s these studies that are the bedrock of the insurance business.

So if the success of a business can be directly linked to a “study or studies” why haven’t other businesses done that?
For example, if you want to base a business on studies the biggest boy on the block is the US Census. As a future business owner one of the things to look at, is who can afford your product. One might even base your sales on selling to those people with the highest annual income.

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It looks like Asians make more annually than the rest of us. How far do you think you’d get if you put up a sign that said, “Only Asians Served?” You’d be brought up in front of a Human Rights Board. Which is, shock of shocks, common sense and the LAW.
With fewer and fewer folks having a retirement nest egg these days, it only makes sense that more folks will be living off of our countries old age pension systems. After looking up what an old age payment would be from many sources, in the US and Canada the average monthly government paid old age income would be around $1200.00 dollars per month. In some cases it might be more and some, less. If you retire at age 65 let’s look at what term life insurance will cost you on average

Cost-TermLife-Insurance-chart
                                                                                                                                 This is Discrimination based on age and sex.
By doing NOTHING politicians are endorsing this Age and other forms of Discrimination. Plus support the financial rape of the elderly. With elections looming this is not good practice for any politician. These insurance buyers are the folks that want to leave something for kids and grandkids. Even to be able to afford a funeral. Sure they bought life insurance, but life insurance is something you buy and forget. Believe me, when you’re slammed with a 600 dollar per month payment that jogs your memory pretty fast. No one can real afford that so…you cancel. You might look at other forms of insurance, but by the age you’ve reached by now, they all cost much more. It’s eye opening what Term Life will cost you in Canada anyway http://www.insurecan.com/ The USA is about the same as well.

Selling Term Life policies means that Insurance Companies are breaking the law. If company is caught making a profit off of consumers, by running an illegal operation. That company is usually told by the courts, to pay back all money.
In my opinion, since Insurance companies have been running a business based on, human rights stated, Discriminatory Practices, they should have to return all money paid to them by anyone that ever had a term life policy and change the way you do business so it’s fair for all.
You might ask why the media hasn’t jumped on this blatant law breaking. It all comes down to “don’t bite the hand that feeds”. Insurance companies are some of the biggest advertisers on the air and in print today.
Insurance companies as you’re laughing all the way to the bank just remember to …”GET OFF MY LAWN”

BRYAN COX…..Radio Host/Speaker/Author/Comedian/Lover of the Back-Slash/

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