Archive for the ‘Election’ Category

15 Things I Trust More Than Donald Trump

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15 THINGS I TRUST MORE THAN DONALD TRUMP

–Mexican tap water

–“Are you sure we should be playing this game Holy Father”?

–A tanning holiday at Fukushima 


–“Really honey, just the tip”


–Any food from a gas station


–Petroleum companies (Exxon, Shell) are honest.


–Picking up and eating my spilled fry’s, from the floor of a strip club.


–Anything Kanye says.


–Fox News


–Taking medication from Bill Cosby

–No Chinese product will ever be re-called

–VW will win an environmental award.

–“Really, it’s just a cold sore!” (Jim Sax)

–Both of my proctologist’s hands on my shoulders during an exam. (Rudy Martinez)

–When a Black man runs from a cop and no injuries happen.

Bryan Cox (Stand-Up, Radio Host, Voice Actor, Author)

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Newspapers Sway the Vote

Saying the print media is fair and impartial today is like having a Kardashian get upset with the paparazzi.

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   What is happening people? I spent about 30 years in the radio and TV industries and when it came to politics we were always told to show both sides of a story. In Radio and TV, if you watch or listen long enough, you might see what side that network tends to “dress” to. Sure you’ve got certain hosts that are right or left, but very rarely do you have an entire network come out and endorse one candidate or the other. We were always told that if you were going to do a story on Politics, Religion, Sex or even that accident at the corner, just report the facts and as enticing as it may be, keep your personal opinions to yourself.

   Newspapers are a big part of the media landscape, whether online or printed. They’ve been around longer than radio or TV and were the source of news for hundreds of years. They too were always told to keep things impartial.
The *trusted and fair* print media, has really started to piss me off. It seems they’ve gone over the edge from having a few slanted opinion articles to a full blown voter convince-a-thon. The New York and LA Times along many more are actually coming out and endorsing one Presidential Candidate over the other. Even the National Enquirer has done an endorsement.

   Newspapers have an editorial board made up of big boss company executives, opinion writers and editors. They ask each candidate questions and if they all agree with the answers the newspaper endorses a candidate. So it comes down to if the movers and shakers in the company like it, that’s the law of the land.
The newsroom is separate and is to keep a impartial view of the candidates. We live in a time where newspaper business is hanging on by a thread. Just maybe, the “impartial” newsroom journalists are trying to figure out how to keep their job? This kind of reminds me of what every parent has said to their kid, “If everyone jumps off a bridge…are you going to jump off a bridge.?”

   People want to make up their own minds and not have you tell them how to vote. Now that you have shown bias, how can the public trust reporting?
What’s next for newspapers? I was thinking that there might be a few other endorsements that they’ve have missed,

salemwitchtrialsPuritanism … the only true religion. Join us for the NY Times endorsed witch burning in Times Square.

 

h35f2f219Kim Jong Un like Hitler… just a misunderstood guy with a cool haircut.

roger-ailes_and_bill_cosbySex…The LA Times endorses the Roger Ailes and Bill Cosby NFL “Sensitivity to Women” seminar.

   Most people make up their minds on who they’re going vote for from information supplied by the media. I praise the newspapers that have come out and stopped endorsing political candidates. That list is growing every election cycle. For the newspapers that think it’s their civic duty and still endorse, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker and Author)

 

Blowhard vs Blown Hard…USA Politics

 

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    Blow Hard! Those two words have got Hillary and Donald where they are today.
    There are many attributes that one must have to become President of the USA. Sure there’s hard work, experience, but maybe the most important is, name recognition. Both Hillary and Donald have that in spades, but how did the achieve this most important Presidential factor?

 

   No one in America really knew the name Donald Trump, except for “that’s the guy that builds stuff.” Then came a reality TV show called, “The Apprentice”. America flocked to the show like overweight, middle aged, bald men at a porn convention, just to hear those two words, “You’re Fired”. The show put the Trump name into the public domain. Now, everyone knew Donald Trump as a entertaining, bombastic blowhard with either huge ego or a ton of self confidence. You figure which one it is.

 

   Hillary on the other hand got her real name recognition by becoming First Lady. It’s what happened while she was First Lady that blew her name into the stratosphere. Two words, “Monica Lewinsky.” The nation was captivated by the sexual exploits of Bill and Monica. There were stories everyday about cigars, the stained dress and so on. Just as interesting, was the question, what was poor Hillary going to do? Everyone in America felt sorry for Mrs. Clinton and wondered if she was going to take the moral high road and stand by her man. Americans were on the side of the woman that was cheated on. She was now in the spotlight. A name recognition spotlight, supplied by a horny husband. Hillary rode the light into politics and that is where she is today.

   In conclusion you might say that one candidate got where he is by being a blow hard and the other got where she is because her husband got blown hard.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker and Author)

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New Rules for the US President

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks to supporters at an event at the Myrtle Beach Convention Center in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, November 24, 2015.  REUTERS/Randall Hill - RTX1VPG6

 Hey, Mr and Mrs America, as a Canadian sitting here in my igloo, eating moose stew with maple syrup and getting ready to go out and feed an RCMP horse, I can’t help but notice your electoral system. Speaking as an outsider, you really have some crazies using the system legally.
    One good thing to come out of your process is, it’s kept comedians and media commentators working, which I’m sure are reflected in the US employment numbers. I’m pretty sure your forefathers never imagined how the system could be twisted into such a circus.

 
If there’s accident after accident at one intersection, some form of government will put up lights or a stop sign. They change the law for that intersection.
If a company can hide money and not pay taxes, the government moves to plug the loop hole. The same should hold true for your electoral system.

 

   Let’s look at what could be done.
   Come on America, cut down the time it takes to pick Presidential Candidates. Let’s say 6 months tops. The way it stands now, the Kardashians could go through at least 5 marriages in the time it takes you to pick a candidate.
Change your Constitution to supply the American people with a “Guarantee” for the winner of this Presidential pageant. Something like;
“If for any reason, I cannot complete my term or if I do or say something utterly ridiculous, I will step down and the runner up assumes the responsibilities of President”.
You could even add some rules, using Donald Trumps Miss Universe Pageant as a rough benchmark.
— must be over 5 foot 3
— You must look good in a bathing suit.
— remove all unwanted body hair
— must not father or give birth
— If mouthing off turns out to be your “talent”…out you go
— If your ego is larger than the country you represent… it’s runner up time.

 
Common sense dictates something has to change in America. Just change the rules. You’ve even got other World leaders asking Obama, what the hell is going on. As a Canadian, I have to say that this American Election is supplying the World with lots of great conversations and a ton of laughs. So for that, I thank you. Oh, I have to go, “Hey, you damn beavers, “GET OFF MY LAWN !”

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Comedian and Speaker)

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How a DUI gets you into Canadian Politics

 

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   Looks like a DUI criminal charge isn’t as bad as a free speech comment on Facebook. It’s election time in Saskatchewan. The NDP have 2 candidates with DUI charges and 4 with Facebook charges that make you say, “Just how stupid can a person be.” The NDP have dropped the 4 Facebookers, but allowed the DUI’ers to run in the election.

 

 

  The Sask Party have 3 DUI’ers that are running in the election.
   Some of the candidates have multiple DUI charges, which means they can’t even enter the USA, for example. Why would you let a person that can’t enter a country due to criminal offences, help run a Province and Canada?
It’s been proven that drunk drivers have driven this way many times before getting caught. As you all know, drunk drivers put lives at risk, yes, people die because of their actions. They show blatant disregard for human life. Yet the NDP and the Sask Party let them run. How can either party stand up against drunk driving now?

 
   We all agree that Facebook comments can sometimes be cutting and above all, stupid. If one was going to be a candidate in an election the first thing they should do is take down their Facebook page. Why they didn’t think of that in the first place, really shows stupidity. The NDP has dropped 4 candidates because of stupid comments they made on Facebook. Sure the comments were ignorant, but we have free speech in Canada. We are allowed to show the country just how ignorant we are. People have died to protect free speech. The NDP have now come out and said, that free speech in not within party guidelines. Let the people decide if those comments are worth ruining a persons chance of helping a Province.

 
   As voters we are now left to vote for drunk drivers, who are way above stupid but can’t vote for just ignorant candidates. Both the NDP and the Sask Party should remember the old saying, “Sticks, a drunk driver and stones will break my bones even kill me, but names will never hurt me.”

 

 

 

To the NDP and The Saskatchwan Party… “Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

 

Bryan Cox (Author, Comic, Speaker, Radio Host)

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Why the Canadian and American Chickens Crossed The Road?

Why The American Chicken Crossed The Road.

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DONALD TRUMP… We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY… We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE… We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL… It’s none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI… We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA… Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS… I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON… This isn’t brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN… The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA… Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON… What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

BILL CLINTON… I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE… I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON… Why are all the chickens white?

COLONEL SANDERS aka Norm MacDonald… Did I miss one?

Why The Canadian Chicken Crossed The Road.

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NICKELBACK… To get away from Justin Beiber and say “Hi” to our fan.

MIKE DUFFY… I legally paid the Chicken to cross the road.

PAMELA WALLIN…What Mike said.

PHILIPPE COUILLARD (Premier of Quebec)…. He wanted to set up his own Chicken Country.

JUSTIN TRUDEAU… It’s not “Road” it’s called “Sunny Way” and to harvest some really nice “Bud”

TOM MULCAIR… He crossed the road to sing “It’s My Party” and “It’s Over”

ELIZABETH MAY… is the road solar powered? Can this chicken provide a carbon free sustainable environment? -I demand a national plebiscite!

STEPHEN HARPER… All chickens with Niqabs should have to remove them to cross the road. Nice hair, though.

BRAD WALL (Premier of Saskatchewan)…To set up our own Pipeline that no one wants, but let it be known, those eastern bastards will freeze.

DAVID FURNISH (married to Elton John) … I’m just glad the Chicken came out of the Coop.

JEAN CHRETIEN…Because I’d choke dat Polet wit de Shawinigan Handshake.

KEVIN O’LEARY (Canadian Millionaire) …. The chicken did the work crossing the road and earned the right … to gaze at ME.

CONRAD BLACK… The Chicken is and felt inadequate, because I know more than anybody or that Chicken.

BOB PAULSON (Commissioner of the RCMP)… To get out of the force. None of us laid a hand on that girl.

JUSTIN BEIBER…To retrive the eggs I throw and look for my talent.

HOWIE MANDEL…That Chicken is covered in germs…get away, get away.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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How to Handle a Presidential Heckler

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“Two of the greatest Hecklers of all time”–Bryan Cox

Hillary Clinton got heckled the other day. Her response was, “You’re Rude.” Ok, in my mind, that was being to nice. What the candidates need, is to hire a comedian. There is no one better to write “Heckler Handlers.” The unwritten rule for comedians, is to allow the heckler 3 shots at you, then have the person tossed out. I say to all US Presidential Candidates, don’t toss them after the first shot. Give them the same treatment they’re giving you…a little disrespect. Sure you might get into a bit of trouble for it but it would make for a nice bit on the News. As Trump can testify to, “There’s no such thing as bad press.” Here are few suggestions for all of you.

Hillary

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         “I would like you to go to the bathroom and buy a condom…because if you’re going to be a dick, you might as well dress like one.”—Hillary

 

Christie “I could come over there and just *sit* on you. I’m being nice because… I took the letter H out of that.” — Christie

 

Cruz                                                                            “See what happens when we let Canadians in here. What happened to being polite?” — Cruz

 

Rubio

“Well, look what rode in on the “Little Bus””. —Rubio

Carson

“This is why we should teach everything we know about birth control, to our kids.” —Carson

Trump

            “You can stay, but you’re another reason a “wall” is a good idea.” —Trump

Sanders

“You’re so confused you probably think Fleetwood Mac is something from McDonalds.” — Sanders

Bush

  “We have something in common. My poll number seems to match your IQ number.”—Bush

Huckabee

                                  “People ask me “What do you get when cousins mate?”….One, a person that believes Fox News, and the other is that person right there.”—Huckabee.

 

Fiorina

“Nice to see a person that finally has a handle on News Issues, even though it takes him 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes””— Fiorina

Kasich

“Just before the speech tonight that’s the guy that stared at an orange juice container for 3 hours …because it said “concentrate”” — Kasich

Of course none of these folks actually said these lines, but maybe they should start. Any of the candidates can feel free to mix and match any of these, but all I’m saying is “please be a bit more creative” and if all else fails, look to John McCain’s line…”Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

 

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)