Archive for the ‘Fashion’ Category

Two Justin’s…Can We Tell Them Apart?

It used to be a term that you heard on newscast, “This Just In” or on phones at airports, “I’m just in, come and pick me up.” Canada is becoming known as the land of Justins. Two of the most famous are hard to tell apart. Let’s try;

 

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One throws insults in the House ….the other throws eggs at a house.

 

One was born with a silver spoon in his mouth….the other has a silver spoon around his nose.

 

One has a house full of fast and loose cars…the other has a house full of fast and loose Senators.

 

One gave an election promise of drug reform…the other, with all his fast living, might need drugs to get an erection.

 

One can say “pass the salt” in French and English because thats the law…And the “law” say’s to the other, “Here’s a charge of Assault.”

 

One’s named Trudeau…the other is rolling in dough.

 

One charges up a country with the slogan “Sunny Ways”… the other was charged with dangerous driving on “sunny way.”

 

One wants to legalize pot…the other wants Canada to smoke it, to get rid of pain… The pain of embarrassment.

 

One welcomes refugees from all over the World, but tells the US , “please keep that one.”

 

So it goes, the battle of the two Justin’s in the US and in Canada.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host/Producer, Author, Comedian, Speaker) and Thanks to Paul Lander (Super Comedy Guy)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

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We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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What You Can’t Wear … To Vote (part 2)

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   Canada’s election is fully underway. Very soon we’ll be asked to go to the polls and make our well educated X count. I contacted Elections Canada and they supplied me with some shocking information. Looks like Canada’s Election Fashion Police will be out in full force because there’s a law about what you wear while voting. Here’s what Elections Canada send me…
       166. (1) No person shall
o    (a) post or display in, or on the exterior surface of, a polling place any campaign literature or other material that could be taken as an indication of support for or opposition to a political party that is listed on the ballot under the name of a candidate or the election of a candidate;
o    (b) while in a polling station, wear any emblem, flag, banner or other thing that indicates that the person supports or opposes any candidate or political party that is listed on the ballot under the name of a candidate, or the political or other opinions entertained, or supposed to be entertained, by the candidate or party; and
o    (c) in a polling station or in any place where voting at an election is taking place, influence electors to vote or refrain from voting or vote or refrain from voting for a particular candidate.

   Oh Yes kids, what you wear might get you tossed out of your polling station. You can not wear a logo from any registered Canadian political party. They can ask you to remove the item or they can remove you.
Let’s have a look. A real westerner, shows up to vote in BC, SK, AB, NWT and your child is in the fashionable One-Zee …
Bloc One-Z
   You can’t use the excuse that you really thought the Bloc Quebecois was just a French lego type toy. Sorry, you can be turned away at the polls, even if the nearest Bloc candidate is 1000 miles away.

   If you’re feeling a little animalistic and are looking at the Rhinoceros Party just remember, that in a CTV interview the 8 time candidate Francois Gourd said, “We are a Marxist-Lennonist party you see here, From Groucho Marx to John Lennon.”
Rhino Party
   Please stay away from any clothing that even hints at the Rhinoceros, like our subtle sample above.

   The Green Party has come out with something that will surely get you booted out of any poll on election day. The Green Party has embraced the Mother of invention. After a tough day of tree hugging and you know what hugging leads to, yes, tree kissing. The party has come up with something that will help you… Green Party Lip Balm
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   Which makes me think of the best pick up line in the Green Party, “Hey is that a lip balm in your pocket or are you…..”

   Pass the nachos please. Another Party that you cannot portray in any way at the poll on election day is Canada’s Marijuana Party. When asked for ID at the poll, don’t, with your cheezy stained fingers, show them your medical marijuana card. If you’re dressed in this;
marijuana Party
   Don’t worry, everyone is looking at you, you’re not paranoid. This is a no no.

   With all that you can’t wear at the polls please remember that it is legal to be TOPLESS. What ever you do, don’t dance in. This would bring a whole new meaning to “POLE Dancing.” But if all you were wearing was this fine accessory from the Liberal Party… you will be turfed out.
PIC OF LIBERAL
   The Election Fashion Police can ask you to remove such clothing. Remember if you take this off, you’ll have no where to tuck all those 5’s that have been thrown at you.

   You are the cool one, got places pierced, got some tatts but nothing says “rebel” more than getting out to vote. You might change the whole country. Just watch out there are great tattoos but then there’s this one…
Conservative Tattoo
   Oh come on, if you got that…I would pay all the money from my g-string, to watch them try to remove it.

   We in Canada have, get this, The Pirate Party. It real and legit. Elections Canada tells us that nothing that says Pirate can be worn. Please put away your knee high boots, sword, tri-tipped hat complete with feathers. The parrot goes back in the cage for another 4 years. Even if your optometrist has told you to keep it on, you might have to remove this if you want to vote…
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   The Pirate Party Eye Patch is something that might cause a big mess at the poll, because the Government is starting to mess with peoples physical disabilities.

   You can see what can and cannot be worn in Canada. Speaking of the Government messing with freedoms. Here is one thing, if it was to ever happen, that would throw Canada for a big loop. We’d have to hold 5 or 6 Royal Commissions, go to Supreme Court and hold a National discussion.
Just imagine that is someone was to walk into a polling station wearing this…WOW, Do you remove it or not?
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   Really folks, I think people know who they are going to vote for by the time they reach the voting booth. How many of us have gone out to vote and at the last minute saw a button or sign and said, “Hey I’m changing my vote” I really hope you got a smile out of what this archaic election law could mean. Let’s get all your friends and anyone who you know that would go topless and GET OUT AND VOTE or Hey, Get Off My Lawn!

BRYAN COX, (Radio Host/Speaker/Comedian/Author/Lover of ther Back/Slash

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How to Laugh at Adversity (The Talk)

How to be BANNED from Voting In Canada !

   In most Canadian Provinces you can show up to vote, topless. Did you know, that if caught wearing certain clothing, you will become ineligible, yes, banned from voting in Election 2015?

   Elections Canada have said, if you wear a badge or t-shirt with any political party or candidate’s logo on it, you will be turned away. Even if you we’re wearing a Bloc Quebecois shirt and they aren’t running anyone within 900 miles from your polling station. I found out those polling station folks have no sense of humour when I showed up last election to vote in this T-Shirt…

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If you show up wearing something like this, you WILL BE ALLOWED to vote… that would be cool! I think I’ll show up wearing some Duck Tape.

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The big thing these days is to show off a company logo on whatever. Nike, Hello Kitty, DKNY etc. This is amazing continuous advertising that the shopper will gladly pay for. Who ever came up with that idea should be given some kind of Advertising God award. People will advertise for you and they pay you to do it.

When it comes to some brands watch out or no voting for you. How about this sweatshirt and kids clothes from NDP Appearal…

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NO voting for you kiddo, if you’re caught wearing these brand name jeans… 

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Or if you have the urge to wear your favourite Muppet shirt to the polls, the Green Party and Canada’s Election Fashion Police will turf you quicker than if you rode in on an aerosol can wearing a baby seal coat. 

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I guess the biggest thing to watch out for, is who you love and if you want to tell the World about your un-dying love…

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SORRY NO voting in Canada for you.

When it come to voting in Canada’s Election 2015 remember just get out there and do it. Show them that it’s, You Care, It’s Not What You Wear.

COME ON, people have a pretty good idea of who they are going to vote for, long before they enter the polling station. Displaying a logo on a shirt isn’t going to change their mind and give one party a leg up on another. If you think it will, or if you can be swayed with something so MINOR, well, those are the people I want off my lawn. No wait, I don’t want those people within a hundred miles of my lawn.

Bryan Cox

Radio Host/Author/Voice Actor/Lover of the Backslash

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