Archive for the ‘Liberal Party’ Category

Why the Canadian and American Chickens Crossed The Road?

Why The American Chicken Crossed The Road.

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DONALD TRUMP… We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY… We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE… We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL… It’s none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI… We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA… Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS… I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON… This isn’t brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN… The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA… Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON… What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

BILL CLINTON… I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE… I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON… Why are all the chickens white?

COLONEL SANDERS aka Norm MacDonald… Did I miss one?

Why The Canadian Chicken Crossed The Road.

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NICKELBACK… To get away from Justin Beiber and say “Hi” to our fan.

MIKE DUFFY… I legally paid the Chicken to cross the road.

PAMELA WALLIN…What Mike said.

PHILIPPE COUILLARD (Premier of Quebec)…. He wanted to set up his own Chicken Country.

JUSTIN TRUDEAU… It’s not “Road” it’s called “Sunny Way” and to harvest some really nice “Bud”

TOM MULCAIR… He crossed the road to sing “It’s My Party” and “It’s Over”

ELIZABETH MAY… is the road solar powered? Can this chicken provide a carbon free sustainable environment? -I demand a national plebiscite!

STEPHEN HARPER… All chickens with Niqabs should have to remove them to cross the road. Nice hair, though.

BRAD WALL (Premier of Saskatchewan)…To set up our own Pipeline that no one wants, but let it be known, those eastern bastards will freeze.

DAVID FURNISH (married to Elton John) … I’m just glad the Chicken came out of the Coop.

JEAN CHRETIEN…Because I’d choke dat Polet wit de Shawinigan Handshake.

KEVIN O’LEARY (Canadian Millionaire) …. The chicken did the work crossing the road and earned the right … to gaze at ME.

CONRAD BLACK… The Chicken is and felt inadequate, because I know more than anybody or that Chicken.

BOB PAULSON (Commissioner of the RCMP)… To get out of the force. None of us laid a hand on that girl.

JUSTIN BEIBER…To retrive the eggs I throw and look for my talent.

HOWIE MANDEL…That Chicken is covered in germs…get away, get away.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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One Really Stupid Canadian… Complaint.

 The one thing we all know, is that when Governments buy things, the price goes up, way up. People see the Government as an instant gravy train. So when it comes out that the Canadian Government decided to save money on something as small as a “font”, to advertise Canada’s 150th Birthday you have to pat them on the back. Hey, it’s a start. Canada chose a FREE font that was invented by Canadian, Raymond Larabie.

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The font is called “Mesmerize”. They found it on line and asked Ray if they could have his permission to use it and of course he said “YES.” The Government went ahead and used it on this logo for Canada’s 150th….Ah, but not all are happy in Fontville.

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There seems to be a bit of a backlash for a certain business sector. “Little Lord Fontleroy” or as he’s known, Adrian Jean, President of the Graphic Designers of Canada is a bit ticked off at the Canada’s Government for not using a so called professional to come up with a font.

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Which by the way would have cost thousands of dollars out of the $210 million set aside for the celebrations. Adrian said in a Hamilton Spectator interview, about a professional design “is always going to have more effective elements, a better refinement, and just generally be a better end result than something that is sourced for free.”
   OK folks, I’m with you. This whole thing is really stupid. It seems that Adrian made a New Years Resolution while looking in the mirror and saying, “It seems that people respect me way to much, I should change that.”
You might ask yourself what’s next…….

If the Government get a super deal on Marijuana from “El Chapo” will the Canadian Pot Growers scream… “Professionally grown Canadian weed is better than Mexican laced with speed.”

If the Government tells MP’s to drink tap water, will the Canadian Bottled Water Association whine saying, “Our water is professionally cleaned, so MP’s won’t have to be quarantined.”

What if the Government gets free chairs for the MP’s? Will the Canadian Leather Manufacturers, start shouting “Our leather eats grass, so our leather will cradle your ass.”

 

   So come on people, there are some things that you should get upset over and some thing’s that you shouldn’t. A font is one of those things you shouldn’t.
Now I have to run, I just heard that Justin Trudeau hired a free comedian for a party. I’m screaming, “A Professional Canadian Comedian is better … than an Idiot!”  I think his name is Adrian, who by the way, should Get Off My Lawn!

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker, Author)

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Canada’s New… Pot Anthem

Canada has a new Government. The Liberal Party promised during the election campaign that they would make Pot legal. Everyone knows that “BC Bud” is amongst the best in the World. Not to mention the healing power of British Columbia’s amazing little plant. There has been no timetable set out about when the legalization will take place but it will happen. Things will change in Canada when this legalization takes place. Here’s our rendition of what the National Anthem might sound like when Canada opens the door. This was put together by Bryan Cox and Jason leBlanc.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Speaker and Comedian)

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Top 8 Hazing Pranks At The G20 Summit

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   The new kid on the G20 block is Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. At just 43 he’s the youngest and the most inexperienced of all the G20 Leaders. Outside the doors of the G20 Summit, is the predictable circus of protesters. Little is known about what goes on behind the closed doors of this high power meeting except it has something to do with Money. As the each countries Prime Ministers, Chancellors, Kings and Grand Poo-Bah’s kick back and try to figure out the global economy, you have to think they can’t really be “serious” all the time. After minutes of research, I’ve found that out of all the countries involved the G20, there are a few jokers in the midst. You can bet that this noble group has rituals that are unknown to the general public. Like maybe, the hazing of new members. This brings us back to the young Canadian Prime Minister, Justine Trudeau. Here’s what’s in store for the fresh, new, young Canadian face at the G20….

 

 

Germany… These jokers of the EU will force Justin to pound back Jello Shots off of Angela Merkel’s chest.

 

 

The President of Indonesia, Joko Widodo …He makes Justin wear nothing but a thong at a meeting… This teaches Trudeau something every World leader knows, how to cover one’s ass.

 

 

Vladimir Putin from Russia…invites young Justin into the hotel freezer and tells him to stick your tongue on the metal door. After he tries in vane pull his frozen tongue off the door, Putin says…Sorry, I’ve only one form of warm liquid to free you. This teaches Trudeau … on the World stage, somethings can piss you off.

 

 

The President of CHINA…Amongst cheers from all the Leaders Trudeau has to give his laptop to Xi Jinping for 1 hour. Then without help, try to find the hack.

 

 

From Australia’s Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull…What a kidder he turns out to be. Malcom sticks a sign on Justin’s back saying, “Kick Me, I’m Canadian, watch me apologize”.

 

 

Salman, King of Saudi Arabia… Has a tried and true prank. He sneaks in while Trudeau is sleeping and puts his finger in a cup of warm oil.

 

 

Prime Minister David Cameron from the UK…Forces Justin to eat Haggis which is a sheeps stomach filled a surprise. Yes, with the stuff that comes out of the other end of the sheep. Trudeau cuts into it which releases the pressure.. BOOM…crap everywhere. Then he’s handed a note saying…”Hey kid, you have to learn to take some crap, some of the time”.

 

 

President of the United States Barack Obama… He’s got a real funny bone. At a lavish dinner he insists that Turkey is served (because the host country is Turkey, I guess). Before the turkey is cooked a small game hen is placed inside and cooked along with the massive bird. Then at dinner just as he’s about to carve it, he reaches inside and pulls out the small game hen. In a big voice he announces, “this turkey was to going to have a baby” and holding the game hen above his head, he states, “and we name it Justin”.

 

 

Here’s hoping all the leaders have a great time in Turkey at the G20 Summit. For Justin Trudeau this will be a learning experience and maybe a bit of fun will be had by all.

Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

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We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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Political Advertising Theft in CANADA

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   In another post we took apart McDonalds for not being creative in their choices. Now you won’t believe what the National political parties in Canada are doing. They are proving that they’re about as creative as the Summer TV schedule…RE-RUNS!

   The advent of the “Political Attack Ad” is kind of a new thing in Canada compared to other Countries. One reason is, the first commandment from the tablets that were handed down from a mountain somewhere in Banff, is “Thou Shall NOT Offend”. Times have changed Canadian Politicians have walked to the edge of the advertising precipice and have gazed down on the results of negative ads from our neighbours to the South.

  In 2011 the NDP hire a big ad agency to come up with an ad that attacks, but in a nice way. This was for a local election.

Skipping ahead to election 2015 the Conservative Party comes out and I might add, first out of the advertising gate. You know with the attitude, “Hit em first, Hit em hard”. The only problem is, that they came out with an ad the NDP used years before in a local Manitoba market. The Conservatives ran the hell out of that old NDP idea and really made it their own. Here’s The Progressive Conservative Ad 2015…does it look like something you’ve seen before?

Now the NDP have come out with an attack ad against the Conservative Party. You would think that out of the millions that are spent on creative political advertising, they could come up with an ad that could spark water cooler talk and news stories across the Nation. Nope, they just pay massive dollars to an ad agency, that sells them back their original idea. Now, if elected, the NDP look like they’ll govern with ideas stolen from others. No one remembers the old Manitoba ad at this point. Here’s the NEW and I stress NEW ad from the NDP

Listen here’s the bottom line. The NDP ad guys come up with the Idea, The Conservative ad guys steal that idea, The Liberals ad guys make fun of that idea, then the NDP ad guys use their commercial idea again.

Can the Canadian political parties only come up with ONE idea? They treating their advertising ideas like CTV, Global and CBC News treat a news story, kick the hell out of it over and over and over again. Out of the millions of creative ad’s that they could come out with, they all rally behind an old, now very tired, idea.

OFFER… I make some of my living from writing and Voicing commercials. I will come up with a completely new and fresh attack ad for any party, costing you only half of what you’re spending right now. Can we talk?? So until then…”Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

Bryan Cox (Radio Host/Author/Comedian/Speaker/Voice Actor and Producer/Lover of the Backslash)

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How to be BANNED from Voting In Canada !

   In most Canadian Provinces you can show up to vote, topless. Did you know, that if caught wearing certain clothing, you will become ineligible, yes, banned from voting in Election 2015?

   Elections Canada have said, if you wear a badge or t-shirt with any political party or candidate’s logo on it, you will be turned away. Even if you we’re wearing a Bloc Quebecois shirt and they aren’t running anyone within 900 miles from your polling station. I found out those polling station folks have no sense of humour when I showed up last election to vote in this T-Shirt…

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If you show up wearing something like this, you WILL BE ALLOWED to vote… that would be cool! I think I’ll show up wearing some Duck Tape.

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The big thing these days is to show off a company logo on whatever. Nike, Hello Kitty, DKNY etc. This is amazing continuous advertising that the shopper will gladly pay for. Who ever came up with that idea should be given some kind of Advertising God award. People will advertise for you and they pay you to do it.

When it comes to some brands watch out or no voting for you. How about this sweatshirt and kids clothes from NDP Appearal…

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NO voting for you kiddo, if you’re caught wearing these brand name jeans… 

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Or if you have the urge to wear your favourite Muppet shirt to the polls, the Green Party and Canada’s Election Fashion Police will turf you quicker than if you rode in on an aerosol can wearing a baby seal coat. 

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I guess the biggest thing to watch out for, is who you love and if you want to tell the World about your un-dying love…

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SORRY NO voting in Canada for you.

When it come to voting in Canada’s Election 2015 remember just get out there and do it. Show them that it’s, You Care, It’s Not What You Wear.

COME ON, people have a pretty good idea of who they are going to vote for, long before they enter the polling station. Displaying a logo on a shirt isn’t going to change their mind and give one party a leg up on another. If you think it will, or if you can be swayed with something so MINOR, well, those are the people I want off my lawn. No wait, I don’t want those people within a hundred miles of my lawn.

Bryan Cox

Radio Host/Author/Voice Actor/Lover of the Backslash

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