Canada has a new Government. The Liberal Party promised during the election campaign that they would make Pot legal. Everyone knows that “BC Bud” is amongst the best in the World. Not to mention the healing power of British Columbia’s amazing little plant. There has been no timetable set out about when the legalization will take place but it will happen. Things will change in Canada when this legalization takes place. Here’s our rendition of what the National Anthem might sound like when Canada opens the door. This was put together by Bryan Cox and Jason leBlanc.
Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Speaker and Comedian)
If you put 100 monkeys in a room with 100 typewriters, they say, they’ll eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. This automatically makes me think of the Paris Climate Change Accord.
I’m a regular guy, not pretending to be some climate change expert. All I really know is that something has to be done. So I watch our leaders susposedly action on the subject. The World Leaders started the conference off telling everyone that they are behind sweeping changes. This was a World scale “Photo-Op”. Then they took off and the worker bees were left to hammer out a deal. Good for them that they all came to a soft agreement.
The first thing to hit me was the fact that the “have” countries are going to give millions upon millions to under developed countries to help them become greener. Come on, we all know that some of these countries are where kickbacks, pay offs and corruption are a way of life. It’s almost like FIFA is running the Government. So when countries are lining up to give you millions, of course you’re going to say, you want to fight climate change. No one is keeping track of this money.
I’m confused on one point, some say this accord is not legally binding and some say that it is. All I can say is that, if countries are not going to abide by the rules, there has to be massive repercussions.
How about China? Tons of people are walking around with masks on because of pollution. If the World was to hit China with any kind of action because they didn’t live up to the accord, all they’d have to do is call in a few loans, stop a few manufacturing plants and the World would be screwed. So for all intents and purposes lets call them out of the agreement. That would be like the GOP telling Donald Trump to give up his Presidential bid.
All this accord does is draw attention to the fact that we have a problem. Congratulations to the World for all agreeing to something but all we can see through all the smoke and mirrors, is it might be too little to late. Now I have to run, and take my VW into the shop for servicing.
Santa took a look at some of the new movies being offered to the public this Christmas. Needless to say, he wasn’t to happy and pulled them. Have a quick listen and here’s hoping you get a few Christmas giggles.
Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author and Speaker)
I thought being told that I have Cancer was shocking enough, but my treatment from the Canadian Cancer Society was even more shocking.
When the charity money pie is getting smaller, you have to come up with creative and innovative ideas to get a slice. The Canadian Cancer Society was approached with a National Fundraising idea.
I called the national 800 number with the cool fundraising idea. The Canadian Cancer Society and they told me, that I would have to call my local office with any fundraising ideas. After reaching out to the local office with three calls and leaving my number for a call back, I got tired of waiting, yes, waiting for 2 weeks. It was only after I complained to the National office, that there was a call back with apology after apology. They listened to the fundraising idea and told me to contact the National Office because it was a national fundraising idea. The only time I’ve seen such back and forth action was at a tennis match or dealing with the Federal Government. Finally the National Office was available to hear the idea. The reception was warm and enthusiastic. So I asked them if we could partner up on this and what can they do to help. Enthusiastically, they said they would get back to me. Well, it’s been a month and NO REPLY. Not an email, not a call, not a letter, nothing. Taking the bull by the horns, I sent a complaint email to the National office and finally got a call with you guessed it, apology after apology. It’s now to late to run this fundraising idea.
You might think this is a person whining about the fact his idea wasn’t embraced by the Canadian Cancer Society, but it’s rather, a complaint about The Canadian Cancer Society not doing everything they can do to help fund the fight against Cancer. They do a lot with what they have, but the door to door begging campaign and jail n bail are tired, old fundraising ideas from the 80’s. Today they need to refresh their thinking patterns. Grasp the new and different.
The Cancer Societies idea of grasping the new, is to hit up major corporations like the Credit Card Companies, Major Banks. They even tap local businesses on a constant basis. It’s getting to the point where those businesses actually are “Not Available” when they see a charity heading towards their door. It’s a lot like when you see that door to door canvasser coming up to your house, all of a sudden, you’re not home.
If you’re a big Corp and want to raise funds for the Canadian Cancer Society, you’ll be welcomed with open arms. I’ve learned that if you are a just a guy with Cancer and an idea that could raise thousands, you’ll be waiting a long time. You might as well wait for peace in the Middle East. In some cases it’s time you don’t have. When you have Cancer, you need action, you haven’t got time to listen to apologies.
If anyone want’s a good fundraising idea for a charity, contact me and we’ll talk. As for the Canadian Cancer Society…. Hey Get Off My Lawn !
The biggest airline in Canada is Air Canada. I bet they stayed up all night to come up with that name. They were the first to charge the public $25 for the first piece of checked luggage. If your bag is over size and or over weight you could pay around $100 dollars. Hey, Get Off My Lawn.
Now Canada’s so called discount airline West Jet, that Canada rallied behind at it’s inception, has slowly been adding those irritating little charges. Now they want to charge you for more leg room if you sit in the exit isle. There’s a higher priced ticket if you want a box lunch. Think of that, Airline food in a box. I bet there’ll be a line up for that perk. They are even going as far as to charge for Wi-Fi. This added on to the extra you pay for your bag and fuel surcharges, has brought what they’re charging in line with Air Canada. West-Jet seems to be following the business model set up by American Healthcare. You pay for every little thing.
If the air carriers are starting charging for things as stupid as leg room, here are a few suggestions what the airlines could charge extra for;
The person that is not wearing any deodorant. This person is always seated next to you. He or She is the one that is the first person up with arms raised high, to grab their carry on from the bin above. This person should pay more.
On the other hand, charge the old lady seated 5 rows in front of you, that wears a gallon of perfume a lot more. The scent permeates your clothing, so that when you get off the flight and hug your wife, she thinks you and a 90 year old church lady joined The Mile High Club.
When you charge for baggage if forces folks to pack everything in a carry on. There is always the one or two people that have stuffed so much into their carry on it can’t fit into the overhead compartment. Thus while they wrestle with it like some UFC cage fighter, they block the isle’s before take off and trying to pry the bag out on landing. This holds everyone up behind them. Instant Extra Charge for these people.
If they’re going to charge for Wi-Fi they should have to police it like the Chinese Government. So that, when that guy beside you streams really crappy music and plays it so loud that people 3 rows over can hear it…all through his head phones, slap him upside the head with EXTRA charges. Oh It’s Kanye.
If airlines are going to charge for extra leg room in the emergency exit isle, everyone else that has to chew on their knees for the flight, should get a BIG discount. Less leg room = lower price.Then there’s the Seat Kicker. Any one that does this during a flight should have to pay more or their parent should. Collected at the end of the flight.
Airlines have said, people complain about these extra charges for a while but they finally accept it and pay up. Maybe the airlines should be forced to pay up. How about offering a $100 credit for every minute they’re late in landing? Just a thought.
I hope these suggestions help the airlines bottom line. I feel sorry for the crews on board a plane. They’re the ones that take the brunt of a plane filled with pissed off people. I’m sure you can think of other ways for airlines to collect extra fees. Don’t be shy, leave a comment below. Hey Airlines…”Get Off My Lawn”
Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host/Producer)
The new kid on the G20 block is Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. At just 43 he’s the youngest and the most inexperienced of all the G20 Leaders. Outside the doors of the G20 Summit, is the predictable circus of protesters. Little is known about what goes on behind the closed doors of this high power meeting except it has something to do with Money. As the each countries Prime Ministers, Chancellors, Kings and Grand Poo-Bah’s kick back and try to figure out the global economy, you have to think they can’t really be “serious” all the time. After minutes of research, I’ve found that out of all the countries involved the G20, there are a few jokers in the midst. You can bet that this noble group has rituals that are unknown to the general public. Like maybe, the hazing of new members. This brings us back to the young Canadian Prime Minister, Justine Trudeau. Here’s what’s in store for the fresh, new, young Canadian face at the G20….
Germany… These jokers of the EU will force Justin to pound back Jello Shots off of Angela Merkel’s chest.
The President of Indonesia, Joko Widodo …He makes Justin wear nothing but a thong at a meeting… This teaches Trudeau something every World leader knows, how to cover one’s ass.
Vladimir Putin from Russia…invites young Justin into the hotel freezer and tells him to stick your tongue on the metal door. After he tries in vane pull his frozen tongue off the door, Putin says…Sorry, I’ve only one form of warm liquid to free you. This teaches Trudeau … on the World stage, somethings can piss you off.
The President of CHINA…Amongst cheers from all the Leaders Trudeau has to give his laptop to Xi Jinping for 1 hour. Then without help, try to find the hack.
From Australia’s Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull…What a kidder he turns out to be. Malcom sticks a sign on Justin’s back saying, “Kick Me, I’m Canadian, watch me apologize”.
Salman, King of Saudi Arabia… Has a tried and true prank. He sneaks in while Trudeau is sleeping and puts his finger in a cup of warm oil.
Prime Minister David Cameron from the UK…Forces Justin to eat Haggis which is a sheeps stomach filled a surprise. Yes, with the stuff that comes out of the other end of the sheep. Trudeau cuts into it which releases the pressure.. BOOM…crap everywhere. Then he’s handed a note saying…”Hey kid, you have to learn to take some crap, some of the time”.
President of the United States Barack Obama… He’s got a real funny bone. At a lavish dinner he insists that Turkey is served (because the host country is Turkey, I guess). Before the turkey is cooked a small game hen is placed inside and cooked along with the massive bird. Then at dinner just as he’s about to carve it, he reaches inside and pulls out the small game hen. In a big voice he announces, “this turkey was to going to have a baby” and holding the game hen above his head, he states, “and we name it Justin”.
Here’s hoping all the leaders have a great time in Turkey at the G20 Summit. For Justin Trudeau this will be a learning experience and maybe a bit of fun will be had by all.
We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.
Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway. Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.
The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.
The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.
Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.
Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.
The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.
The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”
The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”
The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.
The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.
Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.
The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.
The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.
The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.
The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.
Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.
I had the pleasure to sit down and chat with Gloria Loring, who you might remember from NBC’s “Days of Our Lives.” She tells us about her new book, the 50th Anniversary of “Days” and what she and her ex, Alan Thicke, did to help their son Robin Thicke over a rough patch in his life. Hope you enjoy our 10 minutes with this very special Lady.
Bryan Cox (Columnist, Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker)
Here it is Canada. Our Federal and Provincial Governments DO support Discrimination based on Sex, Age and Disability.
I lodged a formal complaint with the Human Rights Commission of Saskatchewan. The complaint was based on the amount that Life Insurance Companies charge for Term Insurance to seniors or almost seniors, the fact that your are male or female and if you have any kind of disability.
The older you are, the more you pay etc. Life Insurance Companies have got their butt covered with the help of Government. They get around the law, by saying that the buyer is signing a contract. Life insurance is a Provincial responsibility and every Government prohibits certain contracts because they might discriminate but it seems others are above the law. So it’s up to them to change the law. Here’s the reply from The Saskatchewan Human Rights Commission…
Insurance Companies have been getting away with this law breaking practice forever, but in their case it’s age, sex and disability discrimination. You can hear the insurance companies whining, “well, we base all of our policies on Actuarial Tables”. These tables are the result of exhaustive studies that have been done to more less tell insurance companies just how long people will live and it’s these studies that are the bedrock of the insurance business. As you can see most Canadians choose Term Life contract. SO lets say, you were to open a business, where the only way to shop there, was if you had a membership and you only to sell to Asians? You surely would get your knuckles rapped by any Human Rights Commission. By the way, a membership is a contract. Of course you would have done study after study and maybe come up with an Actuarial Table to prove that Asians have a higher annual income than First Nation, White or Black people. Thus proving your contract is valid and you should be able to sell only to those who could, on a constant basis, afford your product.
If you are considering launching a complaint with your Provincial Human Rights Commission, I did a bit of leg work for you. I thought this just might be a Saskatchewan problem, so I reached out to all the Human Rights Commissions in every Province in Canada. I wanted to know that if they had a similar laws on their books protecting Life Insurance companies. Manitoba would consider investigating a Life Insurance discrimination complaint. PEI, Newfoundland, Labrador and British Columbia are in line with Saskatchewan and do protect Life Insurance from any such complaint. Alberta said that if the insurance complaint is reasonable and justifiable. Really, good luck with that, because in all matters about insurance are under the umbrella of “Reasonable and Justifiable”. I have to say when faced with a question all of the above Commissions were very good at replying and more than willing to help. At the time of publishing, Quebec, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Ontario had no comment. I can’t wait any longer. What, a week wasn’t good enough? You’re SOOOO busy, that you can even answer 1 email? I can only surmise that they have no interest in helping.
Provincial Governments support the Life Insurance industry in Canada. Thus in turn, they’re supporting age, sex and disability Discrimination. The law, in all provinces is much different when it comes to insurance regarding a job. Discrimination in that case is a huge NO- NO. When it comes to the ordinary joe on the street, sorry we have to put up with it.
This gives me pause to ask the question, how much do insurance companies contribute to election campaigns?
Someone asked me why the mainstream media hasn’t picked up on this massive scale of Discrimination. The answer is very simple, DOLLARS! The media doesn’t want to bite the hand that feeds. Insurance companies are one of the largest advertisers in the country.
In my opinion, as this whole article has been, Insurance companies should start by scrapping term insurance or level the playing field for a 20 something to pay the same as a 60 year old person.
I’m so tired to frivolous claims of discrimination and mistreatment. These sometimes lead to lawsuits that are just as frivolous. When you find a true complaint that really hurts folks financially, it’s shrugged off and supported and endorsed by the Federal and Provincial Governments. In their mind it’s not worth it. So, we say to Politicians and the Insurance Industry “Hey Get Off My Lawn!”
If you can’t laugh at yourself, please allow me to do it for you. The creativity of commercials really engage me. They’re the calling cards to show the World that you’re here and you should take notice of what they offer. When I see great commercials I actually send an email to the company and tell them just that. That makes me happy I work in the industry. When I see crap, it ends up here on the page, then that will be forwarded on to the company. In the past we’ve scolded Canadian Political Parties for Ad Idea Theft http://wp.me/paHrp-g2 and caught McDonalds for the complete lack of creativity and copying the competition in their ads http://wp.me/paHrp-fR After mentioning this, they pulled their ad off of Youtube so I couldn’t use it as an example.
We now take a look at a few commercials for Ensure. This is a nutritional drink. Their commercials seem to be aimed at the aging boomer. I’m not sure if these ads run in both Canada and the US. Canada has them for sure. I’ve looked for a copy of these spots on YouTube but they haven’t put them up yet or they realized they were so stupid , they took them down.
Ensure commercial #1 that pisses me off. Here’s what might have been pitched to Abbott, makers of Ensure, by some ad agency executive that was on meth or had been on 3 week bender before the presentation.
A healthy looking man, maybe in his early 60’s is playing soccer, with what seems to be his grandson. There is a wooded area behind the huge grandfather guarded goal net. Boy kicks the ball and it goes over the net into the wooded area. Then we see a the plastic Ensure bottle start rolling down a hill bouncing and turning. Grandfather ends up behind the net looking for the ball. Low and behold a bottle of Ensure rolls up to his feet. He picks it up off the ground and drinks it.
Ensure commercial #2 …pretty well the same as the first A shot of a busy healthy woman, maybe in her late 50’s early 60’s. I’ve never been good a judging a woman’s age, so let’s move on. She’s shopping, running from place to place. Break away to a shot of a bottle of Ensure rolling, bouncing and turning through the city streets. The woman arrives at the bottom of a massive outdoor staircase, which would kill most out of shape climbers. She gazes up, just as the bottle of Ensure rolls down. She picks the bottle up and drinks it.
I’m so much like you, whenever we see a bottle of anything sitting on the ground, we look around, then pick it up, and drink it. Come on, really? Picking crap up off the ground, then consume it? This begs the questions, are they marketing to the homeless? What kind of drugs are in Ensure that your parent company, Abbott, would fall for such a campaign? Did the advertising agency have a picture of Abbott management with a goat or something to make you go for this kind of advertising?
Abbott you really got the wool pulled over your eyes by some smart talking, chart showing pitchman who does not live in the real world. You probably spent a fortune on those spots. So, to Abbott and the ad agency that came up with the creative for these spots, here’s a FREE idea encompassing another product you sell.
Pedialyte … replaces minerals and nutrient loss because of vomiting and diarrhea. Commercial… Somewhere in the hood, deep in a dimly lit back alley. We see 2 drug addicts puking their guts out. After they’re finished they decide to go dumpster diving and come up with a half used bottle of Pedialyte. Voice over, which I’d be happy to supply you with, comes in, “Sometimes, you have to go DEEP for …RELIEF”.
If you’re going to spend your advertising dollar on something make sure you get a product that shows you in a good light and not something that’s comical, unless you were going for comedy. Until you guys come down off of what your on, “Hey Get Off My Lawn” WAIT, Here’s a thought, I could throw stuff on my lawn and you could come over and eat it.
Bryan Cox (Author/Speaker/Ad Critic/ Comedian/Lover of the back/slash)
Hey, Get Off My Lawn 