Archive for the ‘Men’ Category

Top 8 Hazing Pranks At The G20 Summit

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   The new kid on the G20 block is Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. At just 43 he’s the youngest and the most inexperienced of all the G20 Leaders. Outside the doors of the G20 Summit, is the predictable circus of protesters. Little is known about what goes on behind the closed doors of this high power meeting except it has something to do with Money. As the each countries Prime Ministers, Chancellors, Kings and Grand Poo-Bah’s kick back and try to figure out the global economy, you have to think they can’t really be “serious” all the time. After minutes of research, I’ve found that out of all the countries involved the G20, there are a few jokers in the midst. You can bet that this noble group has rituals that are unknown to the general public. Like maybe, the hazing of new members. This brings us back to the young Canadian Prime Minister, Justine Trudeau. Here’s what’s in store for the fresh, new, young Canadian face at the G20….

 

 

Germany… These jokers of the EU will force Justin to pound back Jello Shots off of Angela Merkel’s chest.

 

 

The President of Indonesia, Joko Widodo …He makes Justin wear nothing but a thong at a meeting… This teaches Trudeau something every World leader knows, how to cover one’s ass.

 

 

Vladimir Putin from Russia…invites young Justin into the hotel freezer and tells him to stick your tongue on the metal door. After he tries in vane pull his frozen tongue off the door, Putin says…Sorry, I’ve only one form of warm liquid to free you. This teaches Trudeau … on the World stage, somethings can piss you off.

 

 

The President of CHINA…Amongst cheers from all the Leaders Trudeau has to give his laptop to Xi Jinping for 1 hour. Then without help, try to find the hack.

 

 

From Australia’s Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull…What a kidder he turns out to be. Malcom sticks a sign on Justin’s back saying, “Kick Me, I’m Canadian, watch me apologize”.

 

 

Salman, King of Saudi Arabia… Has a tried and true prank. He sneaks in while Trudeau is sleeping and puts his finger in a cup of warm oil.

 

 

Prime Minister David Cameron from the UK…Forces Justin to eat Haggis which is a sheeps stomach filled a surprise. Yes, with the stuff that comes out of the other end of the sheep. Trudeau cuts into it which releases the pressure.. BOOM…crap everywhere. Then he’s handed a note saying…”Hey kid, you have to learn to take some crap, some of the time”.

 

 

President of the United States Barack Obama… He’s got a real funny bone. At a lavish dinner he insists that Turkey is served (because the host country is Turkey, I guess). Before the turkey is cooked a small game hen is placed inside and cooked along with the massive bird. Then at dinner just as he’s about to carve it, he reaches inside and pulls out the small game hen. In a big voice he announces, “this turkey was to going to have a baby” and holding the game hen above his head, he states, “and we name it Justin”.

 

 

Here’s hoping all the leaders have a great time in Turkey at the G20 Summit. For Justin Trudeau this will be a learning experience and maybe a bit of fun will be had by all.

Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

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We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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Gloria Loring from “Days of Our Lives”

    I had the pleasure to sit down and chat with Gloria Loring, who you might remember from NBC’s “Days of Our Lives.” She tells us about her new book, the 50th Anniversary of “Days” and what she and her ex, Alan Thicke, did to help their son Robin Thicke over a rough patch in his life. Hope you enjoy our 10 minutes with this very special Lady.

 

Bryan Cox (Columnist, Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker)

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Canada ENDORSES.. Age, Sex and Disability Discrimination

Here it is Canada. Our Federal and Provincial Governments DO support Discrimination based on Sex, Age and Disability.

     I lodged a formal complaint with the Human Rights Commission of Saskatchewan. The complaint was based on the amount that Life Insurance Companies charge for Term Insurance to seniors or almost seniors, the fact that your are male or female and if you have any kind of disability.

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    The older you are, the more you pay etc. Life Insurance Companies have got their butt covered with the help of Government. They get around the law, by saying that the buyer is signing a contract. Life insurance is a Provincial responsibility and every Government prohibits certain contracts because they might discriminate but it seems others are above the law. So it’s up to them to change the law. Here’s the reply from The Saskatchewan Human Rights Commission…
Human Rights reply

    Insurance Companies have been getting away with this law breaking practice forever, but in their case it’s age, sex and disability discrimination. You can hear the insurance companies whining, “well, we base all of our policies on Actuarial Tables”. These tables are the result of exhaustive studies that have been done to more less tell insurance companies just how long people will live and it’s these studies that are the bedrock of the insurance business. As you can see most Canadians choose Term Life contract.
what-life-insurance-policy-do-canadians-have   SO lets say, you were to open a business, where the only way to shop there, was if you had a membership and you only to sell to Asians? You surely would get your knuckles rapped by any Human Rights Commission. By the way, a membership is a contract. Of course you would have done study after study and maybe come up with an Actuarial Table to prove that Asians have a higher annual income than First Nation, White or Black people. Thus proving your contract is valid and you should be able to sell only to those who could, on a constant basis, afford your product.

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   If you are considering launching a complaint with your Provincial Human Rights Commission, I did a bit of leg work for you. I thought this just might be a Saskatchewan problem, so I reached out to all the Human Rights Commissions in every Province in Canada. I wanted to know that if they had a similar laws on their books protecting Life Insurance companies. Manitoba would consider investigating a Life Insurance discrimination complaint. PEI, Newfoundland, Labrador and British Columbia are in line with Saskatchewan and do protect Life Insurance from any such complaint. Alberta said that if the insurance complaint is reasonable and justifiable. Really, good luck with that, because in all matters about insurance are under the umbrella of “Reasonable and Justifiable”. I have to say when faced with a question all of the above Commissions were very good at replying and more than willing to help. At the time of publishing, Quebec, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Ontario had no comment. I can’t wait any longer. What, a week wasn’t good enough? You’re SOOOO busy, that you can even answer 1 email? I can only surmise that they have no interest in helping.

    Provincial Governments support the Life Insurance industry in Canada. Thus in turn, they’re supporting age, sex and disability Discrimination. The law, in all provinces is much different when it comes to insurance regarding a job. Discrimination in that case is a huge NO- NO. When it comes to the ordinary joe on the street, sorry we have to put up with it.

   This gives me pause to ask the question, how much do insurance companies contribute to election campaigns?
Someone asked me why the mainstream media hasn’t picked up on this massive scale of Discrimination. The answer is very simple, DOLLARS! The media doesn’t want to bite the hand that feeds. Insurance companies are one of the largest advertisers in the country.

    In my opinion, as this whole article has been, Insurance companies should start by scrapping term insurance or level the playing field for a 20 something to pay the same as a 60 year old person.
I’m so tired to frivolous claims of discrimination and mistreatment. These sometimes lead to lawsuits that are just as frivolous. When you find a true complaint that really hurts folks financially, it’s shrugged off and supported and endorsed by the Federal and Provincial Governments. In their mind it’s not worth it. So, we say to Politicians and the Insurance Industry “Hey Get Off My Lawn!”

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BRYAN COX (Speaker, Humourist, Columnist, Comedian)

Stupidity… Not YOU?

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   Stupidity is everywhere and in their own minds, people are using it to make our society a safer place. Peoples stupidity is the basis of Hey Get Off My Lawn. Here are a few examples of what we consider stupid, from our good buddy Matt Roberts over at unciviltruth.com.

—The idiots who wear a football jersey to play fantasy football.

 

— Paul Walker’s daughter suing Porsche because her dad was a fucking dolt who knowingly got into the car to drag race on a public street and then died when the car crashed and caught fire.

 

   Now you’re getting the idea. Here are a few more for you from Hey Get Off My Lawn and PLEASE feel free to add your examples of stupid in the comment section.

—The woman that sued McDonalds because her coffee was to hot. Now the rest of civilization has to bring the coffee home and microwave it.

 

   This suing at the drop of a hat, seems to be a problem in the US. People sue for the littlest things. It shows the public a couple of things, you’re stupid and greedy. If you don’t think the public is saying that, you might want to buy a “little bus” with your winnings, to get around in. It also shows the public that you don’t care what people think of you…. hell, you’re rich you shouldn’t care what others, in your little trailer park of Life, think.
I’m sure somewhere in you’re warped little minds you’re saying, I’m sure making a world a safer place by doing this.” OK, moving on.

 

—How about the guy that spends $800 on a truck or car. Then spends $1500 jacking it up 4 feet and adds a rapping muffler and pipes to make people think he’s driving a Semi. Then adds a $2000 stereo system that’s heard 4 miles away. Remember, studies have shown, the higher your truck is jacked up…the lower your IQ.

 

— IKEA — kids have been getting caught up in the cords on Venetian type blinds. There have been a few deaths as well. IKEA say’s they’ll now stop selling the killer blinds. Others are following. This begs the question, Just how stupid are the parents not to notice this danger? What does it take to pound a nail high up on the wall, to keep the cord out of the reach of kids?
Yes IKEA avoid that frivolous lawsuit.

 

— Donald Trump—Has made the whole World look at the Election process of the United States and….laugh. In just about every election in the World from Civic to National, there is always one candidate that walks the fine edge of being serious and having folks say, “oh that’s the idiot”. But really, to have him lead in the polls, that’s embarking on the stupid train.

 

—The person that’s turning left and put’s his signal light on, half way thru the turn. Or people that leave their signal light on…. through all the phases of the Moon.
You could spend hours if not days, listing the stupid things that people do while driving. The fact is that you might not be a generally stupid person but when you get behind the wheel, you will do stupid things and I’m one of those on occasion.

 

   It’s around us everywhere. Just think without stupidity Comedians would have an extremely hard time getting material. CNN and other news outlets would have to start showing porn or something, because there’d be no stories. How many times have you watched the news and said, “That’s just Stupid”? Stupidity, I guess, makes us better people and more self aware, just by looking at the stupid and saying, “Damn I’m so lucky, I’m not that guy.”
This reminds me of the saying, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, please allow me to do it for you.” Until you hear the laughter, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn!”I-m-allegic-to-stupidity

BRYAN COX (Author/Speaker/Comedian/Lover of the Back/Slash)

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Ok, Gave It Up, Call Me A Quitter!

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    Well, it’s been around the 6 month mark of not smoking. After 2 bouts with Cancer, putting up with constant nagging from Doctors, family to good friends, I thought maybe, it’s time. 40 years was long enough. It wasn’t the doctors that got to me. Oh God, their stuff is just getting old. They blame *everything* on the fact you smoke. You walk in with a broken toe because you stubbed it, the doc says…”Well the reason you toe broke is because you probably had smoke in your eyes and couldn’t see where you were you were going…I can’t stress enough, QUIT SMOKING”Blah Blah Blah.

   Damn, I loved it though. I find myself cruising used car lots finding and sitting in the cars that were smoked in. I’m even putting car air fresheners in my meat smoker and letting them slow roast over a pack Benson and Hedges, then selling them on the “I used to smoke” Black Market. I’m kind of in a space like a food addict would be in, when he discovers there’s a food channel.

   Life changes for you and those around you when you don’t smoke. Some good and some bad.

   Loneliness? oh hell ya, No more going outside when it’s -40 making new friends with folks that love to say, “Cold enough for ya”.

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   NOW, I have to be like every other guy on the Planet and fall asleep after SEX, because there’s no more smokin’ SORRY ladies no more chatting.  OK, I can here the jokes…”what no more smokin’, have you looked?”

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  Yes folks, thanks to me band-aid companies will go broke and thousands will be out of job. No more going to pull the cigarette out of my mouth and as my fingers slide down just to have the burning end comes off between my fore and middle finger.

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   Yes it will be my fault that the environment will end up in the dumper..no more saving my empties to afford a 15 dollar (Canada) pack of smokes. Yes, this is also a picture of every lonely non smoking Canadian Comedian, in his natural Habitat.

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   One good thing about quiting smoking, is that there is more of an employment opportunity for kids coming out of school …. in the Anger Management field.

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   No more burn marks on my cars back seat. That’s right no more butts being pushed back in the car by the wind when I flick them out of the window. This means we can say GOOD BYE to the Mom and Pop Car Upholstery business.

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   I thought because I owned an iPhone and a Mac computer made me enough of a self righteous ass. Now lets add in, the looking down your nose non-smoker, Holy Crap, pretty soon this will be me. It’s always so nice …above the water.

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But back to that Loneliness thing again.

   Come to think of it, I had more friends when I smoked. I think because I was more of an even keel. Sure I make fun of it, but know it’s better for me and everyone else that hangs out around me. This bit, by the way, was only about quitting smoking cigarettes.  Even though I don’t use them any more, I’m still in love with Cigarettes, ….butt soon, very soon I’ll be able to  say to them, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn”.

Bryan Cox,  (Radio Host/Comedian/Speaker/Author/Lover of the Back/Slash

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Has “McDonalds” GIVEN UP?

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I love, love, love anything or anybody that shows …creativity! When public perception and I see that one of the biggest Corporations in the World, just sitting on their sacks of money and copying ideas from others, I know that we might be close to “End of Days”.

   In Canada, it looks like McDonalds have either decided of jump off the Creative Commercial train or have been taken to the cleaners by a very un-creative Ad Agency that might be run by, Clowns.

   Let’s have a look at one campaign … Back in Jan-Feb 2015 Lays Chips ran a cleaver campaign asking Canada to pick a flavour that best represented their area of Canada.. Here have a look

    In the SUMMER of 2015, McDonalds offered flavours from a different region of Canada…The “McLobster” represented Atlantic Canada, Maple and Bacon Poutine repped Quebec, “The Nanaimo Crumble” stood tall for the West Coast, “Cottage Country Chicken” counted Ontario in and Western Canada was shown off through the Western BBQ Burger. McDonalds this was a blatant rip off from the Lays idea.

 As they say in commercials, “We won’t stop there…Wait …there’s more.”

  A & W has been doing commercials for over 2 years, where they have a spokesman go out on the street or to events and offer folks food and then get’s their comments. Have a peek at this…

    Now, I don’t know what McDonalds paid the “McClown Ad Agency” for this completely original advertising idea, but if you keep reading I might have a few for you… Have a look

Oh and look what McDonalds did after I posted this revealing video…made it private. Anyway there was spokesperson carrying out burgers to a group at the Calgary Stampede then asking them what they think. Duh….A&W has been doing that for years.
   I have to tell you, I’m in that advertising game, writing and voicing. Knowing first hand how hard it is to come up with an idea that will blow someone away. So when I see huge companies like McDonalds giving up the Creative ghost, I have to shake my head.
   Hey, McDonalds or Ad Guys from McClown, you can steal these ideas. Or, pay me even hire me, that would be nice. Oh by the way, I’m sure noooo one has thought of these, but feel free to add some of your own folks…ha ha

—Instead of having a Clown with red hair as your mascot. Why not hire just a cute, hot woman with red hair?

—How about a burger that disappears so fast and cleans on the way out…you could call it the Mr McClean?

—A giant Fish Sandwich that comes with a story just as big, call it The McWhopper…ya, “whopper” is a good name.

  To solve some of the Worlds problems, plus keep us all entertained while you do it, we have to be, CREATIVE. Please don’t give up. Whether you’re an author, commercial copy writer, lawyer what ever, just never stop being CREATIVE. The World will be a better place for it. Hey, McDonalds and your Ad Guys…Get Off My Lawn!

Bryan Cox…. Radio Host/Author/Speaker/Lover of the Back-slash/

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