Archive for the ‘Obama’ Category

The Top 8 Things Donald Trump Will Do After

After months and months of nauseous, continuous coverage of Clinton and Trump, most folks want it to be over. So when it is actually over, this begs the question, what then for Donald Trump?

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The Top 8 things Donald Trump Will Do After The Election.

 

—He’ll hold gender sensitivity seminars for NFL Players.

—You remember you were told, when a boy hits or bullies you, it means he’s hot for you? The Donald will divorce and marry again. Happy Happy wedding day Megyn Kelly.

—Donald Trump could start up a luggage line, selling Bags of Deplorables.

—Mr. Trump will become buddies with more of Russia’s leadership. You can never have enough “Red Ties.”

—Rumour has it, He’ll record a new version of the Johnny Cash hit… “A Boy Named, I’ll Sue”

—Watch for the launch of Trump TV. He’ll put the Trump twist on some of the top rating getters like, “Orange is the New Trump”, “The Walking Trump”, Game of Trump Thrones” and so on.

 
— Don’t miss “The Donald Trump Hockey School.” This is where you’ll learn to, skate on taxes.

—The Donald will start up an on-line Men’s Discount Club called, “Grope-On.”

Just a few suggestions and thoughts for Mr. Trump if things don’t go your way in this election. For me, I’d like both candidates, “Off My Lawn”

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Comedian, Speaker)

New Rules for the US President

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks to supporters at an event at the Myrtle Beach Convention Center in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, November 24, 2015.  REUTERS/Randall Hill - RTX1VPG6

 Hey, Mr and Mrs America, as a Canadian sitting here in my igloo, eating moose stew with maple syrup and getting ready to go out and feed an RCMP horse, I can’t help but notice your electoral system. Speaking as an outsider, you really have some crazies using the system legally.
    One good thing to come out of your process is, it’s kept comedians and media commentators working, which I’m sure are reflected in the US employment numbers. I’m pretty sure your forefathers never imagined how the system could be twisted into such a circus.

 
If there’s accident after accident at one intersection, some form of government will put up lights or a stop sign. They change the law for that intersection.
If a company can hide money and not pay taxes, the government moves to plug the loop hole. The same should hold true for your electoral system.

 

   Let’s look at what could be done.
   Come on America, cut down the time it takes to pick Presidential Candidates. Let’s say 6 months tops. The way it stands now, the Kardashians could go through at least 5 marriages in the time it takes you to pick a candidate.
Change your Constitution to supply the American people with a “Guarantee” for the winner of this Presidential pageant. Something like;
“If for any reason, I cannot complete my term or if I do or say something utterly ridiculous, I will step down and the runner up assumes the responsibilities of President”.
You could even add some rules, using Donald Trumps Miss Universe Pageant as a rough benchmark.
— must be over 5 foot 3
— You must look good in a bathing suit.
— remove all unwanted body hair
— must not father or give birth
— If mouthing off turns out to be your “talent”…out you go
— If your ego is larger than the country you represent… it’s runner up time.

 
Common sense dictates something has to change in America. Just change the rules. You’ve even got other World leaders asking Obama, what the hell is going on. As a Canadian, I have to say that this American Election is supplying the World with lots of great conversations and a ton of laughs. So for that, I thank you. Oh, I have to go, “Hey, you damn beavers, “GET OFF MY LAWN !”

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Comedian and Speaker)

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Why the Canadian and American Chickens Crossed The Road?

Why The American Chicken Crossed The Road.

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DONALD TRUMP… We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY… We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE… We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL… It’s none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI… We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA… Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS… I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON… This isn’t brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN… The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA… Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON… What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

BILL CLINTON… I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE… I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON… Why are all the chickens white?

COLONEL SANDERS aka Norm MacDonald… Did I miss one?

Why The Canadian Chicken Crossed The Road.

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NICKELBACK… To get away from Justin Beiber and say “Hi” to our fan.

MIKE DUFFY… I legally paid the Chicken to cross the road.

PAMELA WALLIN…What Mike said.

PHILIPPE COUILLARD (Premier of Quebec)…. He wanted to set up his own Chicken Country.

JUSTIN TRUDEAU… It’s not “Road” it’s called “Sunny Way” and to harvest some really nice “Bud”

TOM MULCAIR… He crossed the road to sing “It’s My Party” and “It’s Over”

ELIZABETH MAY… is the road solar powered? Can this chicken provide a carbon free sustainable environment? -I demand a national plebiscite!

STEPHEN HARPER… All chickens with Niqabs should have to remove them to cross the road. Nice hair, though.

BRAD WALL (Premier of Saskatchewan)…To set up our own Pipeline that no one wants, but let it be known, those eastern bastards will freeze.

DAVID FURNISH (married to Elton John) … I’m just glad the Chicken came out of the Coop.

JEAN CHRETIEN…Because I’d choke dat Polet wit de Shawinigan Handshake.

KEVIN O’LEARY (Canadian Millionaire) …. The chicken did the work crossing the road and earned the right … to gaze at ME.

CONRAD BLACK… The Chicken is and felt inadequate, because I know more than anybody or that Chicken.

BOB PAULSON (Commissioner of the RCMP)… To get out of the force. None of us laid a hand on that girl.

JUSTIN BEIBER…To retrive the eggs I throw and look for my talent.

HOWIE MANDEL…That Chicken is covered in germs…get away, get away.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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Top 8 Hazing Pranks At The G20 Summit

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   The new kid on the G20 block is Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. At just 43 he’s the youngest and the most inexperienced of all the G20 Leaders. Outside the doors of the G20 Summit, is the predictable circus of protesters. Little is known about what goes on behind the closed doors of this high power meeting except it has something to do with Money. As the each countries Prime Ministers, Chancellors, Kings and Grand Poo-Bah’s kick back and try to figure out the global economy, you have to think they can’t really be “serious” all the time. After minutes of research, I’ve found that out of all the countries involved the G20, there are a few jokers in the midst. You can bet that this noble group has rituals that are unknown to the general public. Like maybe, the hazing of new members. This brings us back to the young Canadian Prime Minister, Justine Trudeau. Here’s what’s in store for the fresh, new, young Canadian face at the G20….

 

 

Germany… These jokers of the EU will force Justin to pound back Jello Shots off of Angela Merkel’s chest.

 

 

The President of Indonesia, Joko Widodo …He makes Justin wear nothing but a thong at a meeting… This teaches Trudeau something every World leader knows, how to cover one’s ass.

 

 

Vladimir Putin from Russia…invites young Justin into the hotel freezer and tells him to stick your tongue on the metal door. After he tries in vane pull his frozen tongue off the door, Putin says…Sorry, I’ve only one form of warm liquid to free you. This teaches Trudeau … on the World stage, somethings can piss you off.

 

 

The President of CHINA…Amongst cheers from all the Leaders Trudeau has to give his laptop to Xi Jinping for 1 hour. Then without help, try to find the hack.

 

 

From Australia’s Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull…What a kidder he turns out to be. Malcom sticks a sign on Justin’s back saying, “Kick Me, I’m Canadian, watch me apologize”.

 

 

Salman, King of Saudi Arabia… Has a tried and true prank. He sneaks in while Trudeau is sleeping and puts his finger in a cup of warm oil.

 

 

Prime Minister David Cameron from the UK…Forces Justin to eat Haggis which is a sheeps stomach filled a surprise. Yes, with the stuff that comes out of the other end of the sheep. Trudeau cuts into it which releases the pressure.. BOOM…crap everywhere. Then he’s handed a note saying…”Hey kid, you have to learn to take some crap, some of the time”.

 

 

President of the United States Barack Obama… He’s got a real funny bone. At a lavish dinner he insists that Turkey is served (because the host country is Turkey, I guess). Before the turkey is cooked a small game hen is placed inside and cooked along with the massive bird. Then at dinner just as he’s about to carve it, he reaches inside and pulls out the small game hen. In a big voice he announces, “this turkey was to going to have a baby” and holding the game hen above his head, he states, “and we name it Justin”.

 

 

Here’s hoping all the leaders have a great time in Turkey at the G20 Summit. For Justin Trudeau this will be a learning experience and maybe a bit of fun will be had by all.

Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

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We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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Stupidity… Not YOU?

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   Stupidity is everywhere and in their own minds, people are using it to make our society a safer place. Peoples stupidity is the basis of Hey Get Off My Lawn. Here are a few examples of what we consider stupid, from our good buddy Matt Roberts over at unciviltruth.com.

—The idiots who wear a football jersey to play fantasy football.

 

— Paul Walker’s daughter suing Porsche because her dad was a fucking dolt who knowingly got into the car to drag race on a public street and then died when the car crashed and caught fire.

 

   Now you’re getting the idea. Here are a few more for you from Hey Get Off My Lawn and PLEASE feel free to add your examples of stupid in the comment section.

—The woman that sued McDonalds because her coffee was to hot. Now the rest of civilization has to bring the coffee home and microwave it.

 

   This suing at the drop of a hat, seems to be a problem in the US. People sue for the littlest things. It shows the public a couple of things, you’re stupid and greedy. If you don’t think the public is saying that, you might want to buy a “little bus” with your winnings, to get around in. It also shows the public that you don’t care what people think of you…. hell, you’re rich you shouldn’t care what others, in your little trailer park of Life, think.
I’m sure somewhere in you’re warped little minds you’re saying, I’m sure making a world a safer place by doing this.” OK, moving on.

 

—How about the guy that spends $800 on a truck or car. Then spends $1500 jacking it up 4 feet and adds a rapping muffler and pipes to make people think he’s driving a Semi. Then adds a $2000 stereo system that’s heard 4 miles away. Remember, studies have shown, the higher your truck is jacked up…the lower your IQ.

 

— IKEA — kids have been getting caught up in the cords on Venetian type blinds. There have been a few deaths as well. IKEA say’s they’ll now stop selling the killer blinds. Others are following. This begs the question, Just how stupid are the parents not to notice this danger? What does it take to pound a nail high up on the wall, to keep the cord out of the reach of kids?
Yes IKEA avoid that frivolous lawsuit.

 

— Donald Trump—Has made the whole World look at the Election process of the United States and….laugh. In just about every election in the World from Civic to National, there is always one candidate that walks the fine edge of being serious and having folks say, “oh that’s the idiot”. But really, to have him lead in the polls, that’s embarking on the stupid train.

 

—The person that’s turning left and put’s his signal light on, half way thru the turn. Or people that leave their signal light on…. through all the phases of the Moon.
You could spend hours if not days, listing the stupid things that people do while driving. The fact is that you might not be a generally stupid person but when you get behind the wheel, you will do stupid things and I’m one of those on occasion.

 

   It’s around us everywhere. Just think without stupidity Comedians would have an extremely hard time getting material. CNN and other news outlets would have to start showing porn or something, because there’d be no stories. How many times have you watched the news and said, “That’s just Stupid”? Stupidity, I guess, makes us better people and more self aware, just by looking at the stupid and saying, “Damn I’m so lucky, I’m not that guy.”
This reminds me of the saying, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, please allow me to do it for you.” Until you hear the laughter, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn!”I-m-allegic-to-stupidity

BRYAN COX (Author/Speaker/Comedian/Lover of the Back/Slash)

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In The News…in Pictures

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In the News….

USA bombs Afghan Hospital, Afghanistan replies by saying, “So that’s what you call, OBomba Care”

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The Anonymous Protester group ask police to ban Smoke Bombs saying they’re “unethical”. Police forces Worldwide, now opt for the use of the impenetrable line of VW Jettas.maxresdefaultUS Speaker of the House John Boehner show up to work wearing this over his head….and no one notices any change.

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In Canada it’s Thanksgiving in the middle of an election. Here are the 3 leaders Mulcair, Trudeau and Harper on the campaign trail….you try to figure who’s leading.Governor's Turkey Hunt, 2012-1 copyMore and more people are saying that if Trump wins and becomes President, they’ll leave the US. In a related story, Syria say’s, they’ll take refugees. an-overcrowded-boat-filled-with-refugees-ap_1In entertainment news, two movies take centre stage.
The first is a survival story of a dentist set a drift from his mind…good luck buddy. Life of PiThe other block buster is about a US Gun Control lobbyist looking for support from the NRA or anyone in Government.

Martian

Bryan Cox  (Speaker/Writer/Humourist/Lover of the Back/Slash)

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