Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

The Top 8 Saskatchewan Travel Tips

Saskatchewan Canada

Sask Road.
   Ok Canada, if you’re going to make Saskatchewan your travel destination this year, here are a few tips to help make your vacation an unforgettable experience.

 

GOLF…. We have some of the most challenging courses in Canada. Roughly, we golf for 3 months out of the year. For some of us it takes that long to finish a game. Saskatchewan is the easiest Province to achieve a “Hole in One”.  The ball will go in the hole, but watch out, it might be a gopher hole. In our game, that’s still a hole in one. 0706sask_ground

HOOKING UP….. Saskatchewan people are super friendly. Guys, a never fail line to use if you want to meet a Saskatchewan single girl in, let’s say in a parking lot, is, “Hey, nice truck.” Ladies, meeting the perfect Saskatchewan man is a bit different. Just say, “Hey, which one of these trucks is yours, is it the one with the stereo I heard 5 blocks away?” Before you know it, both of you will be off to the Tractor Pull together.

206809_0

PREPPING YOUR VEHICLE…. People in Saskatchewan will tell you, leave your snow tires on until the end of July. Good advice, take it.

 

DRIVING… Yes, our land is flat and our roads are straight. There is a method to this madness. The whole purpose, is so that the Government can count the amount people moving back to Sask from Alberta and Manitoba, without leaving Regina.

 

FITTING IN… To truly fit in you have to look like a Saskatchewan person. Your face tan should start just above the eyebrow, down to the base of the neck. This is achieved by wearing a ball cap, everywhere. The only other area that should have a tan, starts mid-bicep to the tip of the fingers. We call that “The Farmer Tan.” Guys, never refer to your spouse as, my better half, my wife or the old lady. Always call her “The Wife.”

 

NIGHTLIFE… People in the Province love going out to restaurants. After all, the word “Chew” is in “Saskatchewan”. Leave that custom made suit or designer dress at home. Ask yourself what the locals ask themselves, “Can I wear jeans? Or do I have to dress up… in my good jeans?” The “Ball Cap” with a John Deere logo is always considered a great accessory.

kendeer

POLITICS… To let you know, The Saskatchewan Party is in power here. As you can tell they must have stayed up all night to come up with that party name. Things don’t change to much here. The Sask Party has been the Government since 2007.

 

TIME… Like the Government, it doesn’t change. As the rest of Canada wastes time trying to figure out, is it an hour ahead or behind, we in Saskatchewan don’t change our clocks. Some call us “The Land Time Forgot.”

 

   Saskatchewan isn’t the “you can watch your dog run away for three days” Province. We have a lot to offer the vacation traveller. Our people are fun and have huge hearts. Safe travels and watch out for deer and moose and if you think Saskatchewan is boring… “Hey, Get Off My Lawn!”

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Speaker, Author and Stand-Up Comic)

Get Off Of My Promo Pic400x300

Advertisements

What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

lawn-furniture-design-3

We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

Get Off Of My Promo Pic400x300

Stupidity… Not YOU?

certificate-of-stupidity

   Stupidity is everywhere and in their own minds, people are using it to make our society a safer place. Peoples stupidity is the basis of Hey Get Off My Lawn. Here are a few examples of what we consider stupid, from our good buddy Matt Roberts over at unciviltruth.com.

—The idiots who wear a football jersey to play fantasy football.

 

— Paul Walker’s daughter suing Porsche because her dad was a fucking dolt who knowingly got into the car to drag race on a public street and then died when the car crashed and caught fire.

 

   Now you’re getting the idea. Here are a few more for you from Hey Get Off My Lawn and PLEASE feel free to add your examples of stupid in the comment section.

—The woman that sued McDonalds because her coffee was to hot. Now the rest of civilization has to bring the coffee home and microwave it.

 

   This suing at the drop of a hat, seems to be a problem in the US. People sue for the littlest things. It shows the public a couple of things, you’re stupid and greedy. If you don’t think the public is saying that, you might want to buy a “little bus” with your winnings, to get around in. It also shows the public that you don’t care what people think of you…. hell, you’re rich you shouldn’t care what others, in your little trailer park of Life, think.
I’m sure somewhere in you’re warped little minds you’re saying, I’m sure making a world a safer place by doing this.” OK, moving on.

 

—How about the guy that spends $800 on a truck or car. Then spends $1500 jacking it up 4 feet and adds a rapping muffler and pipes to make people think he’s driving a Semi. Then adds a $2000 stereo system that’s heard 4 miles away. Remember, studies have shown, the higher your truck is jacked up…the lower your IQ.

 

— IKEA — kids have been getting caught up in the cords on Venetian type blinds. There have been a few deaths as well. IKEA say’s they’ll now stop selling the killer blinds. Others are following. This begs the question, Just how stupid are the parents not to notice this danger? What does it take to pound a nail high up on the wall, to keep the cord out of the reach of kids?
Yes IKEA avoid that frivolous lawsuit.

 

— Donald Trump—Has made the whole World look at the Election process of the United States and….laugh. In just about every election in the World from Civic to National, there is always one candidate that walks the fine edge of being serious and having folks say, “oh that’s the idiot”. But really, to have him lead in the polls, that’s embarking on the stupid train.

 

—The person that’s turning left and put’s his signal light on, half way thru the turn. Or people that leave their signal light on…. through all the phases of the Moon.
You could spend hours if not days, listing the stupid things that people do while driving. The fact is that you might not be a generally stupid person but when you get behind the wheel, you will do stupid things and I’m one of those on occasion.

 

   It’s around us everywhere. Just think without stupidity Comedians would have an extremely hard time getting material. CNN and other news outlets would have to start showing porn or something, because there’d be no stories. How many times have you watched the news and said, “That’s just Stupid”? Stupidity, I guess, makes us better people and more self aware, just by looking at the stupid and saying, “Damn I’m so lucky, I’m not that guy.”
This reminds me of the saying, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, please allow me to do it for you.” Until you hear the laughter, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn!”I-m-allegic-to-stupidity

BRYAN COX (Author/Speaker/Comedian/Lover of the Back/Slash)

Get Off Of My Promo Pic400x300