Archive for the ‘Stupidity’ Category

Darren Kavinoky from “Deadly Sins”

Darren Kavinoky and I sat down and had a great chat on the radio feature “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.” Darren has been seen on CNN, HLN, Inside Edition and on his own show “Deadly Sins” on Investigation Discovery. This interview is very revealing and give you a peek at the man behind the camera. Hope you enjoy this as much as I did chatting with him.

 

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author and Speaker)

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Why the Canadian and American Chickens Crossed The Road?

Why The American Chicken Crossed The Road.

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DONALD TRUMP… We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY… We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE… We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL… It’s none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI… We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA… Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS… I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON… This isn’t brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN… The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA… Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON… What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

BILL CLINTON… I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE… I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON… Why are all the chickens white?

COLONEL SANDERS aka Norm MacDonald… Did I miss one?

Why The Canadian Chicken Crossed The Road.

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NICKELBACK… To get away from Justin Beiber and say “Hi” to our fan.

MIKE DUFFY… I legally paid the Chicken to cross the road.

PAMELA WALLIN…What Mike said.

PHILIPPE COUILLARD (Premier of Quebec)…. He wanted to set up his own Chicken Country.

JUSTIN TRUDEAU… It’s not “Road” it’s called “Sunny Way” and to harvest some really nice “Bud”

TOM MULCAIR… He crossed the road to sing “It’s My Party” and “It’s Over”

ELIZABETH MAY… is the road solar powered? Can this chicken provide a carbon free sustainable environment? -I demand a national plebiscite!

STEPHEN HARPER… All chickens with Niqabs should have to remove them to cross the road. Nice hair, though.

BRAD WALL (Premier of Saskatchewan)…To set up our own Pipeline that no one wants, but let it be known, those eastern bastards will freeze.

DAVID FURNISH (married to Elton John) … I’m just glad the Chicken came out of the Coop.

JEAN CHRETIEN…Because I’d choke dat Polet wit de Shawinigan Handshake.

KEVIN O’LEARY (Canadian Millionaire) …. The chicken did the work crossing the road and earned the right … to gaze at ME.

CONRAD BLACK… The Chicken is and felt inadequate, because I know more than anybody or that Chicken.

BOB PAULSON (Commissioner of the RCMP)… To get out of the force. None of us laid a hand on that girl.

JUSTIN BEIBER…To retrive the eggs I throw and look for my talent.

HOWIE MANDEL…That Chicken is covered in germs…get away, get away.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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One Really Stupid Canadian… Complaint.

 The one thing we all know, is that when Governments buy things, the price goes up, way up. People see the Government as an instant gravy train. So when it comes out that the Canadian Government decided to save money on something as small as a “font”, to advertise Canada’s 150th Birthday you have to pat them on the back. Hey, it’s a start. Canada chose a FREE font that was invented by Canadian, Raymond Larabie.

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The font is called “Mesmerize”. They found it on line and asked Ray if they could have his permission to use it and of course he said “YES.” The Government went ahead and used it on this logo for Canada’s 150th….Ah, but not all are happy in Fontville.

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There seems to be a bit of a backlash for a certain business sector. “Little Lord Fontleroy” or as he’s known, Adrian Jean, President of the Graphic Designers of Canada is a bit ticked off at the Canada’s Government for not using a so called professional to come up with a font.

Adrian Jean
Which by the way would have cost thousands of dollars out of the $210 million set aside for the celebrations. Adrian said in a Hamilton Spectator interview, about a professional design “is always going to have more effective elements, a better refinement, and just generally be a better end result than something that is sourced for free.”
   OK folks, I’m with you. This whole thing is really stupid. It seems that Adrian made a New Years Resolution while looking in the mirror and saying, “It seems that people respect me way to much, I should change that.”
You might ask yourself what’s next…….

If the Government get a super deal on Marijuana from “El Chapo” will the Canadian Pot Growers scream… “Professionally grown Canadian weed is better than Mexican laced with speed.”

If the Government tells MP’s to drink tap water, will the Canadian Bottled Water Association whine saying, “Our water is professionally cleaned, so MP’s won’t have to be quarantined.”

What if the Government gets free chairs for the MP’s? Will the Canadian Leather Manufacturers, start shouting “Our leather eats grass, so our leather will cradle your ass.”

 

   So come on people, there are some things that you should get upset over and some thing’s that you shouldn’t. A font is one of those things you shouldn’t.
Now I have to run, I just heard that Justin Trudeau hired a free comedian for a party. I’m screaming, “A Professional Canadian Comedian is better … than an Idiot!”  I think his name is Adrian, who by the way, should Get Off My Lawn!

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker, Author)

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How to Handle a Presidential Heckler

Hecklers

“Two of the greatest Hecklers of all time”–Bryan Cox

Hillary Clinton got heckled the other day. Her response was, “You’re Rude.” Ok, in my mind, that was being to nice. What the candidates need, is to hire a comedian. There is no one better to write “Heckler Handlers.” The unwritten rule for comedians, is to allow the heckler 3 shots at you, then have the person tossed out. I say to all US Presidential Candidates, don’t toss them after the first shot. Give them the same treatment they’re giving you…a little disrespect. Sure you might get into a bit of trouble for it but it would make for a nice bit on the News. As Trump can testify to, “There’s no such thing as bad press.” Here are few suggestions for all of you.

Hillary

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         “I would like you to go to the bathroom and buy a condom…because if you’re going to be a dick, you might as well dress like one.”—Hillary

 

Christie “I could come over there and just *sit* on you. I’m being nice because… I took the letter H out of that.” — Christie

 

Cruz                                                                            “See what happens when we let Canadians in here. What happened to being polite?” — Cruz

 

Rubio

“Well, look what rode in on the “Little Bus””. —Rubio

Carson

“This is why we should teach everything we know about birth control, to our kids.” —Carson

Trump

            “You can stay, but you’re another reason a “wall” is a good idea.” —Trump

Sanders

“You’re so confused you probably think Fleetwood Mac is something from McDonalds.” — Sanders

Bush

  “We have something in common. My poll number seems to match your IQ number.”—Bush

Huckabee

                                  “People ask me “What do you get when cousins mate?”….One, a person that believes Fox News, and the other is that person right there.”—Huckabee.

 

Fiorina

“Nice to see a person that finally has a handle on News Issues, even though it takes him 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes””— Fiorina

Kasich

“Just before the speech tonight that’s the guy that stared at an orange juice container for 3 hours …because it said “concentrate”” — Kasich

Of course none of these folks actually said these lines, but maybe they should start. Any of the candidates can feel free to mix and match any of these, but all I’m saying is “please be a bit more creative” and if all else fails, look to John McCain’s line…”Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

 

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

Two Justin’s…Can We Tell Them Apart?

It used to be a term that you heard on newscast, “This Just In” or on phones at airports, “I’m just in, come and pick me up.” Canada is becoming known as the land of Justins. Two of the most famous are hard to tell apart. Let’s try;

 

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One throws insults in the House ….the other throws eggs at a house.

 

One was born with a silver spoon in his mouth….the other has a silver spoon around his nose.

 

One has a house full of fast and loose cars…the other has a house full of fast and loose Senators.

 

One gave an election promise of drug reform…the other, with all his fast living, might need drugs to get an erection.

 

One can say “pass the salt” in French and English because thats the law…And the “law” say’s to the other, “Here’s a charge of Assault.”

 

One’s named Trudeau…the other is rolling in dough.

 

One charges up a country with the slogan “Sunny Ways”… the other was charged with dangerous driving on “sunny way.”

 

One wants to legalize pot…the other wants Canada to smoke it, to get rid of pain… The pain of embarrassment.

 

One welcomes refugees from all over the World, but tells the US , “please keep that one.”

 

So it goes, the battle of the two Justin’s in the US and in Canada.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host/Producer, Author, Comedian, Speaker) and Thanks to Paul Lander (Super Comedy Guy)

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Political Correctness Over The Edge

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   Political Correctness is a subject that translates emotions from both sides of the fence into an exploding war of words. Discussion is good. So we’re going to discuss, names.

 

From one side of the fence when a person calls for a name change for a sports team, a mall or whatever, the other side thinks that group or person, “has way to much time on their hands.” If you keep reading, you’ll realize that I too, have way to much time.

 
   Recently in Canada, Natan Obed, president of Inuit Tapiriit Kanatami, a national Inuit organization, called for a name change of the CFL’s Edmonton Eskimos. He thinks the name is derogatory to First Nations peoples. This is a lot like what the Washington Redskins are going through. Speaking as an old school white guy, ok “Redskins” might be pushing the boundary a bit. We can all understand that one.

 
   If you want to get silly about things, the Chicago Bears or Detroit Lions should have PETA in a fighting mad mood. How can you malign good animals that? So what’s next, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers pissing off a Somalian Pirate Assoc.? The CFL’s Ottawa Red Blacks will have to do a name change, because I’m sure there’s a Communist Afro-Canadian Organization. Another sport will be touched as well, Womans Hockey. They’ll have to come up with a new name for each 20 minutes of play. There will be some feminist group complaining about the word “Period.”

 
   I’m mentioned all this because I’ve grown up with a name that could offend someone. When I worked in radio I had more than one boss ask me to change my name. “Cox” might offend people is what I heard. I grew up with the name and I’m proud of the name my Father gave me. So it’s not going to change. That explanation was good enough for any station I worked at. Do I stand up and yell that the poultry business having to change the name of Roosters? Oh Boo-hoo, someone might construe that I’m gutless and might think I’m a chicken. Bite me! I can’t tell how many times through school and at radio events that someone, thinking they’re so smart, has called me “Harry” or “Is your sisters name Anita?”. Now, as a stand-up comic, I can make fun of my name and I’m getting paid to do it. Who’s the smart one now?

 
   They say, that if you are picked on a lot, you grow up either really tough or you develop a sense of humour. I chose the latter. A lot of us wish that these complainers would do the same. Laughter is a gift, use it or Get Off My Lawn.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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100 Monkeys and Climate Change

   If you put 100 monkeys in a room with 100 typewriters, they say, they’ll eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. This automatically makes me think of the Paris Climate Change Accord.

 

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I’m a regular guy, not pretending to be some climate change expert. All I really know is that something has to be done. So I watch our leaders susposedly action on the subject. The World Leaders started the conference off telling everyone that they are behind sweeping changes. This was a World scale “Photo-Op”. Then they took off and the worker bees were left to hammer out a deal. Good for them that they all came to a soft agreement.

 

 

The first thing to hit me was the fact that the “have” countries are going to give millions upon millions to under developed countries to help them become greener. Come on, we all know that some of these countries are where kickbacks, pay offs and corruption are a way of life. It’s almost like FIFA is running the Government. So when countries are lining up to give you millions, of course you’re going to say, you want to fight climate change. No one is keeping track of this money.

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I’m confused on one point, some say this accord is not legally binding and some say that it is. All I can say is that, if countries are not going to abide by the rules, there has to be massive repercussions.
How about China? Tons of people are walking around with masks on because of pollution. If the World was to hit China with any kind of action because they didn’t live up to the accord, all they’d have to do is call in a few loans, stop a few manufacturing plants and the World would be screwed. So for all intents and purposes lets call them out of the agreement. That would be like the GOP telling Donald Trump to give up his Presidential bid.

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All this accord does is draw attention to the fact that we have a problem. Congratulations to the World for all agreeing to something but all we can see through all the smoke and mirrors, is it might be too little to late. Now I have to run, and take my VW into the shop for servicing.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker, Author)

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5 People Who Should Pay More… To Fly

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 The biggest airline in Canada is Air Canada. I bet they stayed up all night to come up with that name. They were the first to charge the public $25 for the first piece of checked luggage. If your bag is over size and or over weight you could pay around $100 dollars. Hey, Get Off My Lawn.

 

 Now Canada’s so called discount airline West Jet, that Canada rallied behind at it’s inception, has slowly been adding those irritating little charges. Now they want to charge you for more leg room if you sit in the exit isle. There’s a higher priced ticket if you want a box lunch. Think of that, Airline food in a box. I bet there’ll be a line up for that perk. They are even going as far as to charge for Wi-Fi. This added on to the extra you pay for your bag and fuel surcharges, has brought what they’re charging in line with Air Canada. West-Jet seems to be following the business model set up by American Healthcare. You pay for every little thing.

 

If the air carriers are starting charging for things as stupid as leg room, here are a few suggestions what the airlines could charge extra for;

The person that is not wearing any deodorant. This person is always seated next to you. He or She is the one that is the first person up with arms raised high, to grab their carry on from the bin above. This person should pay more.

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On the other hand, charge the old lady seated 5 rows in front  of you, that wears a gallon of perfume a lot more. The scent permeates your clothing, so that when you get off the flight and hug your wife, she thinks you and a 90 year old church lady joined The Mile High Club.

Old lady

When you charge for baggage if forces folks to pack everything in a carry on. There is always the one or two people that have stuffed so much into their carry on it can’t fit into the overhead compartment. Thus while they wrestle with it like some UFC cage fighter, they block the isle’s before take off and trying to pry the bag out on landing. This holds everyone up behind them. Instant Extra Charge for these people.

Bag Sutff

If they’re going to charge for Wi-Fi they should have to police it like the Chinese Government. So that, when that guy beside you streams really crappy music and plays it so loud that people 3 rows over can hear it…all through his head phones, slap him upside the head with EXTRA charges. Oh It’s Kanye.

Plane Head Phones

If airlines are going to charge for extra leg room in the emergency exit isle, everyone else that has to chew on their knees for the flight, should get a BIG discount. Less leg room = lower price. Then there’s the Seat Kicker. Any one that does this during a flight should have to pay more or their parent should. Collected at the end of the flight.

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Airlines have said, people complain about these extra charges for a while but they finally accept it and pay up. Maybe the airlines should be forced to pay up. How about offering a $100 credit for every minute they’re late in landing? Just a thought.

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I hope these suggestions help the airlines bottom line. I feel sorry for the crews on board a plane. They’re the ones that take the brunt of a plane filled with pissed off people. I’m sure you can think of other ways for airlines to collect extra fees. Don’t be shy, leave a comment below. Hey Airlines…”Get Off My Lawn”

 

Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host/Producer)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

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We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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Canada ENDORSES.. Age, Sex and Disability Discrimination

Here it is Canada. Our Federal and Provincial Governments DO support Discrimination based on Sex, Age and Disability.

     I lodged a formal complaint with the Human Rights Commission of Saskatchewan. The complaint was based on the amount that Life Insurance Companies charge for Term Insurance to seniors or almost seniors, the fact that your are male or female and if you have any kind of disability.

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    The older you are, the more you pay etc. Life Insurance Companies have got their butt covered with the help of Government. They get around the law, by saying that the buyer is signing a contract. Life insurance is a Provincial responsibility and every Government prohibits certain contracts because they might discriminate but it seems others are above the law. So it’s up to them to change the law. Here’s the reply from The Saskatchewan Human Rights Commission…
Human Rights reply

    Insurance Companies have been getting away with this law breaking practice forever, but in their case it’s age, sex and disability discrimination. You can hear the insurance companies whining, “well, we base all of our policies on Actuarial Tables”. These tables are the result of exhaustive studies that have been done to more less tell insurance companies just how long people will live and it’s these studies that are the bedrock of the insurance business. As you can see most Canadians choose Term Life contract.
what-life-insurance-policy-do-canadians-have   SO lets say, you were to open a business, where the only way to shop there, was if you had a membership and you only to sell to Asians? You surely would get your knuckles rapped by any Human Rights Commission. By the way, a membership is a contract. Of course you would have done study after study and maybe come up with an Actuarial Table to prove that Asians have a higher annual income than First Nation, White or Black people. Thus proving your contract is valid and you should be able to sell only to those who could, on a constant basis, afford your product.

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   If you are considering launching a complaint with your Provincial Human Rights Commission, I did a bit of leg work for you. I thought this just might be a Saskatchewan problem, so I reached out to all the Human Rights Commissions in every Province in Canada. I wanted to know that if they had a similar laws on their books protecting Life Insurance companies. Manitoba would consider investigating a Life Insurance discrimination complaint. PEI, Newfoundland, Labrador and British Columbia are in line with Saskatchewan and do protect Life Insurance from any such complaint. Alberta said that if the insurance complaint is reasonable and justifiable. Really, good luck with that, because in all matters about insurance are under the umbrella of “Reasonable and Justifiable”. I have to say when faced with a question all of the above Commissions were very good at replying and more than willing to help. At the time of publishing, Quebec, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Ontario had no comment. I can’t wait any longer. What, a week wasn’t good enough? You’re SOOOO busy, that you can even answer 1 email? I can only surmise that they have no interest in helping.

    Provincial Governments support the Life Insurance industry in Canada. Thus in turn, they’re supporting age, sex and disability Discrimination. The law, in all provinces is much different when it comes to insurance regarding a job. Discrimination in that case is a huge NO- NO. When it comes to the ordinary joe on the street, sorry we have to put up with it.

   This gives me pause to ask the question, how much do insurance companies contribute to election campaigns?
Someone asked me why the mainstream media hasn’t picked up on this massive scale of Discrimination. The answer is very simple, DOLLARS! The media doesn’t want to bite the hand that feeds. Insurance companies are one of the largest advertisers in the country.

    In my opinion, as this whole article has been, Insurance companies should start by scrapping term insurance or level the playing field for a 20 something to pay the same as a 60 year old person.
I’m so tired to frivolous claims of discrimination and mistreatment. These sometimes lead to lawsuits that are just as frivolous. When you find a true complaint that really hurts folks financially, it’s shrugged off and supported and endorsed by the Federal and Provincial Governments. In their mind it’s not worth it. So, we say to Politicians and the Insurance Industry “Hey Get Off My Lawn!”

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BRYAN COX (Speaker, Humourist, Columnist, Comedian)