Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

3 Possible Fake News Stories

The Medical Industry is in Bed with Soft Water Companies and Opthamologists

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Trips and Falls

To keep medicine rocking they need business so the soft water folks are working with them to make tubs and showers super slippery. You know what I mean if you’ve ever showered in soft water. You end up doing some kind of weird Michael Jackson dance when trying to get out or in. Just how many people that fall and injure themselves, have soft water?
Plus, they say that you should listen to your favourite song in the shower. To save water, you should be finished when the song ends. With soft water, to get that real squeaky feel to your skin like with hard water, the song should be In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida or any entire Beethoven Symphony.

 

Another group that add to trips and falls, especially for older folks, are the optometrists and opthamologists. These Doctors prescribe Bi-Focals which are now called “progressive lenses”. If you don’t have them, let me explain, each lens is made up with two parts, when you look through the top half of the glass you see normally. When you look through the bottom half everything looks huge, which is good for reading. The question is, do folks wearing progressive lenses fall on stairs more because they are looking through the bottom half?

falling-downThese stairs must look huge. I myself, offer them to my wife when I come to bed (Wink Wink)

Big Brother is Watching???

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Where I live the phone company offers a lot. They offer a TV service with a ton of channels, Phone service, Internet and even home security. So if the police want to find you or find out about you, all they have to do is make one call …to the phone company. They’ll know if you’re home or not home, who you’re talking to, what TV shows you like and what kind of porn you like.

                                                   Your DNA is Under Attack

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Recently I’ve noticed a huge advertising push for DNA. If the cops were to come up to you on the street and ask for your DNA, I’m pretty sure I’d know what you’d say. If a company advertises for your DNA with an offer that they’ll tell you where you came from and what diseases you “might” get, that’s just fine. All you have to do is send them a sample of your DNA and you pay them to do that. One commercial stands out. A lady says, a lot of my friends ask me, what am I? So she sends her DNA in and finds out she’s…asian, indian and whatever. Listen, if you’ve people are coming up to you and asking what you are…you need to find a better group of “friends”, girl.

 
Here it is, you send you’re DNA to a company you don’t know and they send you some pie chart of fluffy information back in the mail. What then, is your DNA kept on file for law enforcement agencies? Is it being used in experiments? Is your DNA being spliced with an alien life form that they captured years before? Oh, and they have them, you know that. I’ve also found out that those DNA kits don’t make the best baby shower gift!

 

This was just a little finger poking fun at some of the “theories” that are out there. So watch out for Fake News because this is the kind of stuff they grab on to.

                                       Always question never accept!

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author and humble guy)

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Newspapers Sway the Vote

Saying the print media is fair and impartial today is like having a Kardashian get upset with the paparazzi.

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   What is happening people? I spent about 30 years in the radio and TV industries and when it came to politics we were always told to show both sides of a story. In Radio and TV, if you watch or listen long enough, you might see what side that network tends to “dress” to. Sure you’ve got certain hosts that are right or left, but very rarely do you have an entire network come out and endorse one candidate or the other. We were always told that if you were going to do a story on Politics, Religion, Sex or even that accident at the corner, just report the facts and as enticing as it may be, keep your personal opinions to yourself.

   Newspapers are a big part of the media landscape, whether online or printed. They’ve been around longer than radio or TV and were the source of news for hundreds of years. They too were always told to keep things impartial.
The *trusted and fair* print media, has really started to piss me off. It seems they’ve gone over the edge from having a few slanted opinion articles to a full blown voter convince-a-thon. The New York and LA Times along many more are actually coming out and endorsing one Presidential Candidate over the other. Even the National Enquirer has done an endorsement.

   Newspapers have an editorial board made up of big boss company executives, opinion writers and editors. They ask each candidate questions and if they all agree with the answers the newspaper endorses a candidate. So it comes down to if the movers and shakers in the company like it, that’s the law of the land.
The newsroom is separate and is to keep a impartial view of the candidates. We live in a time where newspaper business is hanging on by a thread. Just maybe, the “impartial” newsroom journalists are trying to figure out how to keep their job? This kind of reminds me of what every parent has said to their kid, “If everyone jumps off a bridge…are you going to jump off a bridge.?”

   People want to make up their own minds and not have you tell them how to vote. Now that you have shown bias, how can the public trust reporting?
What’s next for newspapers? I was thinking that there might be a few other endorsements that they’ve have missed,

salemwitchtrialsPuritanism … the only true religion. Join us for the NY Times endorsed witch burning in Times Square.

 

h35f2f219Kim Jong Un like Hitler… just a misunderstood guy with a cool haircut.

roger-ailes_and_bill_cosbySex…The LA Times endorses the Roger Ailes and Bill Cosby NFL “Sensitivity to Women” seminar.

   Most people make up their minds on who they’re going vote for from information supplied by the media. I praise the newspapers that have come out and stopped endorsing political candidates. That list is growing every election cycle. For the newspapers that think it’s their civic duty and still endorse, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker and Author)

 

Two Justin’s…Can We Tell Them Apart?

It used to be a term that you heard on newscast, “This Just In” or on phones at airports, “I’m just in, come and pick me up.” Canada is becoming known as the land of Justins. Two of the most famous are hard to tell apart. Let’s try;

 

BieberTrudeau

 

 

One throws insults in the House ….the other throws eggs at a house.

 

One was born with a silver spoon in his mouth….the other has a silver spoon around his nose.

 

One has a house full of fast and loose cars…the other has a house full of fast and loose Senators.

 

One gave an election promise of drug reform…the other, with all his fast living, might need drugs to get an erection.

 

One can say “pass the salt” in French and English because thats the law…And the “law” say’s to the other, “Here’s a charge of Assault.”

 

One’s named Trudeau…the other is rolling in dough.

 

One charges up a country with the slogan “Sunny Ways”… the other was charged with dangerous driving on “sunny way.”

 

One wants to legalize pot…the other wants Canada to smoke it, to get rid of pain… The pain of embarrassment.

 

One welcomes refugees from all over the World, but tells the US , “please keep that one.”

 

So it goes, the battle of the two Justin’s in the US and in Canada.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host/Producer, Author, Comedian, Speaker) and Thanks to Paul Lander (Super Comedy Guy)

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5 People Who Should Pay More… To Fly

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 The biggest airline in Canada is Air Canada. I bet they stayed up all night to come up with that name. They were the first to charge the public $25 for the first piece of checked luggage. If your bag is over size and or over weight you could pay around $100 dollars. Hey, Get Off My Lawn.

 

 Now Canada’s so called discount airline West Jet, that Canada rallied behind at it’s inception, has slowly been adding those irritating little charges. Now they want to charge you for more leg room if you sit in the exit isle. There’s a higher priced ticket if you want a box lunch. Think of that, Airline food in a box. I bet there’ll be a line up for that perk. They are even going as far as to charge for Wi-Fi. This added on to the extra you pay for your bag and fuel surcharges, has brought what they’re charging in line with Air Canada. West-Jet seems to be following the business model set up by American Healthcare. You pay for every little thing.

 

If the air carriers are starting charging for things as stupid as leg room, here are a few suggestions what the airlines could charge extra for;

The person that is not wearing any deodorant. This person is always seated next to you. He or She is the one that is the first person up with arms raised high, to grab their carry on from the bin above. This person should pay more.

Bad Smell

On the other hand, charge the old lady seated 5 rows in front  of you, that wears a gallon of perfume a lot more. The scent permeates your clothing, so that when you get off the flight and hug your wife, she thinks you and a 90 year old church lady joined The Mile High Club.

Old lady

When you charge for baggage if forces folks to pack everything in a carry on. There is always the one or two people that have stuffed so much into their carry on it can’t fit into the overhead compartment. Thus while they wrestle with it like some UFC cage fighter, they block the isle’s before take off and trying to pry the bag out on landing. This holds everyone up behind them. Instant Extra Charge for these people.

Bag Sutff

If they’re going to charge for Wi-Fi they should have to police it like the Chinese Government. So that, when that guy beside you streams really crappy music and plays it so loud that people 3 rows over can hear it…all through his head phones, slap him upside the head with EXTRA charges. Oh It’s Kanye.

Plane Head Phones

If airlines are going to charge for extra leg room in the emergency exit isle, everyone else that has to chew on their knees for the flight, should get a BIG discount. Less leg room = lower price. Then there’s the Seat Kicker. Any one that does this during a flight should have to pay more or their parent should. Collected at the end of the flight.

Seat kicker

Airlines have said, people complain about these extra charges for a while but they finally accept it and pay up. Maybe the airlines should be forced to pay up. How about offering a $100 credit for every minute they’re late in landing? Just a thought.

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I hope these suggestions help the airlines bottom line. I feel sorry for the crews on board a plane. They’re the ones that take the brunt of a plane filled with pissed off people. I’m sure you can think of other ways for airlines to collect extra fees. Don’t be shy, leave a comment below. Hey Airlines…”Get Off My Lawn”

 

Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host/Producer)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

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We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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Gloria Loring from “Days of Our Lives”

    I had the pleasure to sit down and chat with Gloria Loring, who you might remember from NBC’s “Days of Our Lives.” She tells us about her new book, the 50th Anniversary of “Days” and what she and her ex, Alan Thicke, did to help their son Robin Thicke over a rough patch in his life. Hope you enjoy our 10 minutes with this very special Lady.

 

Bryan Cox (Columnist, Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker)

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