Posts Tagged ‘CBC’

Political Correctness Over The Edge

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   Political Correctness is a subject that translates emotions from both sides of the fence into an exploding war of words. Discussion is good. So we’re going to discuss, names.

 

From one side of the fence when a person calls for a name change for a sports team, a mall or whatever, the other side thinks that group or person, “has way to much time on their hands.” If you keep reading, you’ll realize that I too, have way to much time.

 
   Recently in Canada, Natan Obed, president of Inuit Tapiriit Kanatami, a national Inuit organization, called for a name change of the CFL’s Edmonton Eskimos. He thinks the name is derogatory to First Nations peoples. This is a lot like what the Washington Redskins are going through. Speaking as an old school white guy, ok “Redskins” might be pushing the boundary a bit. We can all understand that one.

 
   If you want to get silly about things, the Chicago Bears or Detroit Lions should have PETA in a fighting mad mood. How can you malign good animals that? So what’s next, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers pissing off a Somalian Pirate Assoc.? The CFL’s Ottawa Red Blacks will have to do a name change, because I’m sure there’s a Communist Afro-Canadian Organization. Another sport will be touched as well, Womans Hockey. They’ll have to come up with a new name for each 20 minutes of play. There will be some feminist group complaining about the word “Period.”

 
   I’m mentioned all this because I’ve grown up with a name that could offend someone. When I worked in radio I had more than one boss ask me to change my name. “Cox” might offend people is what I heard. I grew up with the name and I’m proud of the name my Father gave me. So it’s not going to change. That explanation was good enough for any station I worked at. Do I stand up and yell that the poultry business having to change the name of Roosters? Oh Boo-hoo, someone might construe that I’m gutless and might think I’m a chicken. Bite me! I can’t tell how many times through school and at radio events that someone, thinking they’re so smart, has called me “Harry” or “Is your sisters name Anita?”. Now, as a stand-up comic, I can make fun of my name and I’m getting paid to do it. Who’s the smart one now?

 
   They say, that if you are picked on a lot, you grow up either really tough or you develop a sense of humour. I chose the latter. A lot of us wish that these complainers would do the same. Laughter is a gift, use it or Get Off My Lawn.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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100 Monkeys and Climate Change

   If you put 100 monkeys in a room with 100 typewriters, they say, they’ll eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. This automatically makes me think of the Paris Climate Change Accord.

 

Hamlet

 

I’m a regular guy, not pretending to be some climate change expert. All I really know is that something has to be done. So I watch our leaders susposedly action on the subject. The World Leaders started the conference off telling everyone that they are behind sweeping changes. This was a World scale “Photo-Op”. Then they took off and the worker bees were left to hammer out a deal. Good for them that they all came to a soft agreement.

 

 

The first thing to hit me was the fact that the “have” countries are going to give millions upon millions to under developed countries to help them become greener. Come on, we all know that some of these countries are where kickbacks, pay offs and corruption are a way of life. It’s almost like FIFA is running the Government. So when countries are lining up to give you millions, of course you’re going to say, you want to fight climate change. No one is keeping track of this money.

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I’m confused on one point, some say this accord is not legally binding and some say that it is. All I can say is that, if countries are not going to abide by the rules, there has to be massive repercussions.
How about China? Tons of people are walking around with masks on because of pollution. If the World was to hit China with any kind of action because they didn’t live up to the accord, all they’d have to do is call in a few loans, stop a few manufacturing plants and the World would be screwed. So for all intents and purposes lets call them out of the agreement. That would be like the GOP telling Donald Trump to give up his Presidential bid.

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All this accord does is draw attention to the fact that we have a problem. Congratulations to the World for all agreeing to something but all we can see through all the smoke and mirrors, is it might be too little to late. Now I have to run, and take my VW into the shop for servicing.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker, Author)

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9 Movies Santa Pulled From Theaters

Santa took a look at some of the new movies being offered to the public this Christmas. Needless to say, he wasn’t to happy and pulled them. Have a quick listen and here’s hoping you get a few Christmas giggles.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author and Speaker)

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What The Cancer Society Did…Shocking!

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I thought being told that I have Cancer was shocking enough, but my treatment from the Canadian Cancer Society was even more shocking.

 

When the charity money pie is getting smaller, you have to come up with creative and innovative ideas to get a slice. The Canadian Cancer Society was approached with a National Fundraising idea.
I called the national 800 number with the cool fundraising idea. The Canadian Cancer Society and they told me, that I would have to call my local office with any fundraising ideas. After reaching out to the local office with three calls and leaving my number for a call back, I got tired of waiting, yes, waiting for 2 weeks. It was only after I complained to the National office, that there was a call back with apology after apology. They listened to the fundraising idea and told me to contact the National Office because it was a national fundraising idea. The only time I’ve seen such back and forth action was at a tennis match or dealing with the Federal Government. Finally the National Office was available to hear the idea. The reception was warm and enthusiastic. So I asked them if we could partner up on this and what can they do to help. Enthusiastically, they said they would get back to me. Well, it’s been a month and NO REPLY. Not an email, not a call, not a letter, nothing. Taking the bull by the horns, I sent a complaint email to the National office and finally got a call with you guessed it, apology after apology. It’s now to late to run this fundraising idea.

 

   You might think this is a person whining about the fact his idea wasn’t embraced by the Canadian Cancer Society, but it’s rather, a complaint about The Canadian Cancer Society not doing everything they can do to help fund the fight against Cancer. They do a lot with what they have, but the door to door begging campaign and jail n bail are tired, old fundraising ideas from the 80’s. Today they need to refresh their thinking patterns. Grasp the new and different.

 

   The Cancer Societies idea of grasping the new, is to hit up major corporations like the Credit Card Companies, Major Banks. They even tap local businesses on a constant basis. It’s getting to the point where those businesses actually are “Not Available” when they see a charity heading towards their door. It’s a lot like when you see that door to door canvasser coming up to your house, all of a sudden, you’re not home.

 

   If you’re a big Corp and want to raise funds for the Canadian Cancer Society, you’ll be welcomed with open arms. I’ve learned that if you are a just a guy with Cancer and an idea that could raise thousands, you’ll be waiting a long time. You might as well wait for peace in the Middle East. In some cases it’s time you don’t have. When you have Cancer, you need action, you haven’t got time to listen to apologies.

 

   If anyone want’s a good fundraising idea for a charity, contact me and we’ll talk. As for the Canadian Cancer Society…. Hey Get Off My Lawn !

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Comedian)

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5 People Who Should Pay More… To Fly

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 The biggest airline in Canada is Air Canada. I bet they stayed up all night to come up with that name. They were the first to charge the public $25 for the first piece of checked luggage. If your bag is over size and or over weight you could pay around $100 dollars. Hey, Get Off My Lawn.

 

 Now Canada’s so called discount airline West Jet, that Canada rallied behind at it’s inception, has slowly been adding those irritating little charges. Now they want to charge you for more leg room if you sit in the exit isle. There’s a higher priced ticket if you want a box lunch. Think of that, Airline food in a box. I bet there’ll be a line up for that perk. They are even going as far as to charge for Wi-Fi. This added on to the extra you pay for your bag and fuel surcharges, has brought what they’re charging in line with Air Canada. West-Jet seems to be following the business model set up by American Healthcare. You pay for every little thing.

 

If the air carriers are starting charging for things as stupid as leg room, here are a few suggestions what the airlines could charge extra for;

The person that is not wearing any deodorant. This person is always seated next to you. He or She is the one that is the first person up with arms raised high, to grab their carry on from the bin above. This person should pay more.

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On the other hand, charge the old lady seated 5 rows in front  of you, that wears a gallon of perfume a lot more. The scent permeates your clothing, so that when you get off the flight and hug your wife, she thinks you and a 90 year old church lady joined The Mile High Club.

Old lady

When you charge for baggage if forces folks to pack everything in a carry on. There is always the one or two people that have stuffed so much into their carry on it can’t fit into the overhead compartment. Thus while they wrestle with it like some UFC cage fighter, they block the isle’s before take off and trying to pry the bag out on landing. This holds everyone up behind them. Instant Extra Charge for these people.

Bag Sutff

If they’re going to charge for Wi-Fi they should have to police it like the Chinese Government. So that, when that guy beside you streams really crappy music and plays it so loud that people 3 rows over can hear it…all through his head phones, slap him upside the head with EXTRA charges. Oh It’s Kanye.

Plane Head Phones

If airlines are going to charge for extra leg room in the emergency exit isle, everyone else that has to chew on their knees for the flight, should get a BIG discount. Less leg room = lower price. Then there’s the Seat Kicker. Any one that does this during a flight should have to pay more or their parent should. Collected at the end of the flight.

Seat kicker

Airlines have said, people complain about these extra charges for a while but they finally accept it and pay up. Maybe the airlines should be forced to pay up. How about offering a $100 credit for every minute they’re late in landing? Just a thought.

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I hope these suggestions help the airlines bottom line. I feel sorry for the crews on board a plane. They’re the ones that take the brunt of a plane filled with pissed off people. I’m sure you can think of other ways for airlines to collect extra fees. Don’t be shy, leave a comment below. Hey Airlines…”Get Off My Lawn”

 

Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host/Producer)

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Top 8 Hazing Pranks At The G20 Summit

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   The new kid on the G20 block is Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. At just 43 he’s the youngest and the most inexperienced of all the G20 Leaders. Outside the doors of the G20 Summit, is the predictable circus of protesters. Little is known about what goes on behind the closed doors of this high power meeting except it has something to do with Money. As the each countries Prime Ministers, Chancellors, Kings and Grand Poo-Bah’s kick back and try to figure out the global economy, you have to think they can’t really be “serious” all the time. After minutes of research, I’ve found that out of all the countries involved the G20, there are a few jokers in the midst. You can bet that this noble group has rituals that are unknown to the general public. Like maybe, the hazing of new members. This brings us back to the young Canadian Prime Minister, Justine Trudeau. Here’s what’s in store for the fresh, new, young Canadian face at the G20….

 

 

Germany… These jokers of the EU will force Justin to pound back Jello Shots off of Angela Merkel’s chest.

 

 

The President of Indonesia, Joko Widodo …He makes Justin wear nothing but a thong at a meeting… This teaches Trudeau something every World leader knows, how to cover one’s ass.

 

 

Vladimir Putin from Russia…invites young Justin into the hotel freezer and tells him to stick your tongue on the metal door. After he tries in vane pull his frozen tongue off the door, Putin says…Sorry, I’ve only one form of warm liquid to free you. This teaches Trudeau … on the World stage, somethings can piss you off.

 

 

The President of CHINA…Amongst cheers from all the Leaders Trudeau has to give his laptop to Xi Jinping for 1 hour. Then without help, try to find the hack.

 

 

From Australia’s Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull…What a kidder he turns out to be. Malcom sticks a sign on Justin’s back saying, “Kick Me, I’m Canadian, watch me apologize”.

 

 

Salman, King of Saudi Arabia… Has a tried and true prank. He sneaks in while Trudeau is sleeping and puts his finger in a cup of warm oil.

 

 

Prime Minister David Cameron from the UK…Forces Justin to eat Haggis which is a sheeps stomach filled a surprise. Yes, with the stuff that comes out of the other end of the sheep. Trudeau cuts into it which releases the pressure.. BOOM…crap everywhere. Then he’s handed a note saying…”Hey kid, you have to learn to take some crap, some of the time”.

 

 

President of the United States Barack Obama… He’s got a real funny bone. At a lavish dinner he insists that Turkey is served (because the host country is Turkey, I guess). Before the turkey is cooked a small game hen is placed inside and cooked along with the massive bird. Then at dinner just as he’s about to carve it, he reaches inside and pulls out the small game hen. In a big voice he announces, “this turkey was to going to have a baby” and holding the game hen above his head, he states, “and we name it Justin”.

 

 

Here’s hoping all the leaders have a great time in Turkey at the G20 Summit. For Justin Trudeau this will be a learning experience and maybe a bit of fun will be had by all.

Bryan Cox (Speaker, Comedian, Author, Radio Host)

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What Celebrities Can Teach Us about Furniture

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We get Celebrities to endorse anything, shoes, cars even drugs. Here’s a good example, Kevin Nealon, Arnold Palmer and Brian Vickers doing the Xarelto (heart drug) commercials. Have you seen the price of Xarelto? The commercials are actually saying, you have to earn “Celebrity” money to afford this life saver.

Some Celebrities have come out with lines of furniture, Donald Trump, Elvis, Ernest Hemingway, Cindy Crawford even John Elway.
   Here’s a few Celebrities that we’d like to see get in on the furniture action.

The Brady Recliner … Made of space age material and deflates to fit you perfectly.

The Boehner Sofa … it only comes in one colour..Orange.

Obama Ottoman … Looks good, but you’ll want to keep moving it… a little to the right then a little to the left.

Canadian Bieber Bench…Looks great for a few years then starts to degenerate.

The NFL Player Game Chair… Not a chair to rest in, but more a chair to get *arrested* in.

The Kanye Hutch … Very sturdy but the doors constantly open and close with an incessant squeaking … you’ll find yourself yelling at it, “Shut the F**K UP”

The Snoop-Dog Sectional … Made of the finest Hemp. The Company Tag reads, “We’ve smoked a lot of Grass, to comfort your ass”

The Trudeau Rocker … Made from the sturdiest, youngest Canadian “wood.” Women love this rocker because it lasts so long.

The Donald Trump Throw Rug … Ok, enough said.

Putin’s Stool … nice accent piece but with time, it grows and takes over your room.

The Kardashian Mattress… Is a springy as NBA players who get to use it for, FREE. A big plus, some models come with Transgender Springs.

The Bill and Hillary Bedroom Suite… For those who like separate beds. For extra company add The Lewinsky Hide-a-Way…ah, maybe not. It really sucks.

The Carson Credenza… Made of a soft non offending wood. It has great storage capacity. It can hold graduation papers from West Point, Knives and Rocks. For the Vegan Egyptian, it can be transformed into a small grain holding Pyramid.

The ISIL Smart Fridge… watch out, once it’s running, no one can figure out how stop it. It’s not good for produce, whole heads of lettuce seem to disappear. This fridge does come with built in ISIS maker though.

 

Celebrities seem to be throwing their weight behind everything on the market today. So, if there’s a big time celeb that wants to help out and endorse the Hey, Get Off My Lawn radio feature, we’d love to hear from you. Here’s hoping you all had a giggle with this. Many thanks to Paul Lander, the Lawns writer/producer extraordinaire, for adding to this piece.

Bryan Cox (Writer, Speaker, Comedian, Author)

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