Posts Tagged ‘CBS’

10 New Murphy’s Laws

A New Look at Murphy’s Law

Murphy’s Law (“If anything can go wrong, it will”) was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base.

 

It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Projects.

 

After finding a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, “If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll find it.”

 

It’s been said about Murphy’s death, “One dark evening, Mr. Murphy’s car ran out of gas. As he hitchhiked to a gas station, while facing traffic and wearing white, he was struck from behind by a British tourist who was driving on the wrong side of the road.”

 

Nowadays we see that Murphy’s Law is still alive and well. Here are 10 quick examples for you.

 

–Fill the open tray bird feeder…It will snow or rain.

 

–At the intersection, the guy in front of you will alway turn his signal light on as the light turns green.

 

–The airport washroom automatic faucet will turn off way before your finished washing your hands.

 

–When sending an email, you will forget “send to all.”

 

–The quicker you need information from the internet, is directly correlated with password memory.

 

–Waiting for a meal at a restaurant, you know it will arrive, just as you go outside for a smoke or go to the washroom.

 

–Guys, when your wife asks you to do something, you will realize that you did it wrong and it will be pointed out that there are better ways of doing it.

 

–When you fill your tank, the price of gas will fall the next day.

 

–Your cat will have puked directly in your path, as you walk out of a dark room in bare feet.

 

–The day that 5 hookers send you friend requests on Facebook, you wife decides to check your page.

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Speaker)

A FAKE Back Story for “The Voice”

 

   I’ve noticed on Reality TV shows that all the contestants have some kind of back story. Some don’t. Recently on “The Voice” there has been one contestant heart wrenching story followed by an even more wrenching story. Very few contestants don’t have them…SO if you’re going to appear, and want to be a winner, on any of these shows let me help you with your back story, using “The Voice” as an example.

 

  “I’ve always loved to sing. My Dad, whose in prison and suffering from Cancer, told me that, just before he lost a leg because of a prison riot. I was raised by my uncle in Canada. He was the front man of a well known rock group. He encouraged me to sing. Then he got cancer and played that card to make millions on his final tour. I never knew my Mom because, when I was very little, she was on a fishing trip off the coast of Newfoundland in Canada, while visiting my uncle. She fell over board and was shredded by sharks. They found pieces of her all up and down the eastern seaboard. On his death bed my uncle gave me the money to get here. To honour my Mother, I’d like sing “Little Piece of My Heart”… by Janis Joplin”

 

Bryan Cox (Author, Radio Host, Comedian)

 

 

 

15 Things I Trust More Than Donald Trump

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15 THINGS I TRUST MORE THAN DONALD TRUMP

–Mexican tap water

–“Are you sure we should be playing this game Holy Father”?

–A tanning holiday at Fukushima 


–“Really honey, just the tip”


–Any food from a gas station


–Petroleum companies (Exxon, Shell) are honest.


–Picking up and eating my spilled fry’s, from the floor of a strip club.


–Anything Kanye says.


–Fox News


–Taking medication from Bill Cosby

–No Chinese product will ever be re-called

–VW will win an environmental award.

–“Really, it’s just a cold sore!” (Jim Sax)

–Both of my proctologist’s hands on my shoulders during an exam. (Rudy Martinez)

–When a Black man runs from a cop and no injuries happen.

Bryan Cox (Stand-Up, Radio Host, Voice Actor, Author)

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Top 15 Signs of Age and Aging

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Hey, Baby Boomer so you’re getting older and you don’t know what to expect. Try these on for size.

 

You know you’re getting old….when you can remember the day when you could pronounce all the NHL’s players names, Mahovlich was the hardest. (Canada)

 

When someone offers you a “joint” now you automatically think, ‘would that be a knee or hip?’

 

You order the super TV pack, just because it has the Weather Channel.

 

Back in the day, we remember yelling “Hey, Culligan Man”. Today we know why. He’s the only one that’ll come running when you slip in the tub.

 

Becoming a senior is great, because if you happen to end up in prison, you won’t be getting all those romantic looks from cellblock D.

 

Becoming a senior means you understand you really won’t be getting romantic looks from anyone.

 

Getting older means some bodily functions are like swallowing scrabble tiles. You know one good sneeze, could spell disaster.

 

When you and your buddies wanted to go to the Drive-In. The ones with no money always got in….in the trunk.
You can remember when a “Race Issue” was arguing about who ran the fastest.

 

We finally understand why babies are so cantankerous … plastic and paper underwear.

 

The kids today love the movie”Frozen.” We lived it, always playing hockey on an outdoor rink no matter the temperature. (Canada and Alaska)

 

You end up having to wear Bi-Focals or the new term, Progressive Lenses. This is good guys, everything is so much larger when you look through the bottom half of the glasses. Just make your wife wear them to bed.

 

You remember how our sense of humour was formed around Grade One. OH, how our parents laughed, when you asked for a ride to school. “What are ya kid, some kind of comedian?”

 

Remembering that when you had a job, phoning in fake sick on the weekend was not an option. Your parents made you go to work. Hey, they’d even give you a ride. A ride to school NO WAY but ride to work…Oh, Hell Ya!

 

To the old and young never be afraid to speak out and up. The most important saying you need to know that can apply to so may people and so much in your life, is “Hey, Get Off My Lawn!”

 

You think that the Led Zeppelin cover band performing at the old folks home, should have sang “Stairlift to Heaven.”
   So to the seniors that are feeling shelved, it’s time to get up read a paper, watch the news, learn something new on the computer and most important of all, stay engaged with your surroundings with a sense of humour. Don’t let yesterday use up to much of today.
   To all the kids and grandkids, call you’re parents and tell them you’re thinking of them and you love them, while you still have the chance. Remember you always learn lessons from their past, which gives you the future, where you can apply them.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. If you laughed give it a “like” and pass it on. If you didn’t “Hey Get Off My Lawn”

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Speaker, Comedian and Author)

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The Top 8 Things Donald Trump Will Do After

After months and months of nauseous, continuous coverage of Clinton and Trump, most folks want it to be over. So when it is actually over, this begs the question, what then for Donald Trump?

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The Top 8 things Donald Trump Will Do After The Election.

 

—He’ll hold gender sensitivity seminars for NFL Players.

—You remember you were told, when a boy hits or bullies you, it means he’s hot for you? The Donald will divorce and marry again. Happy Happy wedding day Megyn Kelly.

—Donald Trump could start up a luggage line, selling Bags of Deplorables.

—Mr. Trump will become buddies with more of Russia’s leadership. You can never have enough “Red Ties.”

—Rumour has it, He’ll record a new version of the Johnny Cash hit… “A Boy Named, I’ll Sue”

—Watch for the launch of Trump TV. He’ll put the Trump twist on some of the top rating getters like, “Orange is the New Trump”, “The Walking Trump”, Game of Trump Thrones” and so on.

 
— Don’t miss “The Donald Trump Hockey School.” This is where you’ll learn to, skate on taxes.

—The Donald will start up an on-line Men’s Discount Club called, “Grope-On.”

Just a few suggestions and thoughts for Mr. Trump if things don’t go your way in this election. For me, I’d like both candidates, “Off My Lawn”

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Comedian, Speaker)