Posts Tagged ‘Election’

Newspapers Sway the Vote

Saying the print media is fair and impartial today is like having a Kardashian get upset with the paparazzi.

headlines-1

   What is happening people? I spent about 30 years in the radio and TV industries and when it came to politics we were always told to show both sides of a story. In Radio and TV, if you watch or listen long enough, you might see what side that network tends to “dress” to. Sure you’ve got certain hosts that are right or left, but very rarely do you have an entire network come out and endorse one candidate or the other. We were always told that if you were going to do a story on Politics, Religion, Sex or even that accident at the corner, just report the facts and as enticing as it may be, keep your personal opinions to yourself.

   Newspapers are a big part of the media landscape, whether online or printed. They’ve been around longer than radio or TV and were the source of news for hundreds of years. They too were always told to keep things impartial.
The *trusted and fair* print media, has really started to piss me off. It seems they’ve gone over the edge from having a few slanted opinion articles to a full blown voter convince-a-thon. The New York and LA Times along many more are actually coming out and endorsing one Presidential Candidate over the other. Even the National Enquirer has done an endorsement.

   Newspapers have an editorial board made up of big boss company executives, opinion writers and editors. They ask each candidate questions and if they all agree with the answers the newspaper endorses a candidate. So it comes down to if the movers and shakers in the company like it, that’s the law of the land.
The newsroom is separate and is to keep a impartial view of the candidates. We live in a time where newspaper business is hanging on by a thread. Just maybe, the “impartial” newsroom journalists are trying to figure out how to keep their job? This kind of reminds me of what every parent has said to their kid, “If everyone jumps off a bridge…are you going to jump off a bridge.?”

   People want to make up their own minds and not have you tell them how to vote. Now that you have shown bias, how can the public trust reporting?
What’s next for newspapers? I was thinking that there might be a few other endorsements that they’ve have missed,

salemwitchtrialsPuritanism … the only true religion. Join us for the NY Times endorsed witch burning in Times Square.

 

h35f2f219Kim Jong Un like Hitler… just a misunderstood guy with a cool haircut.

roger-ailes_and_bill_cosbySex…The LA Times endorses the Roger Ailes and Bill Cosby NFL “Sensitivity to Women” seminar.

   Most people make up their minds on who they’re going vote for from information supplied by the media. I praise the newspapers that have come out and stopped endorsing political candidates. That list is growing every election cycle. For the newspapers that think it’s their civic duty and still endorse, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn.”

Get Off Of My Promo Pic400x300

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Speaker and Author)

 

New Rules for the US President

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks to supporters at an event at the Myrtle Beach Convention Center in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, November 24, 2015.  REUTERS/Randall Hill - RTX1VPG6

 Hey, Mr and Mrs America, as a Canadian sitting here in my igloo, eating moose stew with maple syrup and getting ready to go out and feed an RCMP horse, I can’t help but notice your electoral system. Speaking as an outsider, you really have some crazies using the system legally.
    One good thing to come out of your process is, it’s kept comedians and media commentators working, which I’m sure are reflected in the US employment numbers. I’m pretty sure your forefathers never imagined how the system could be twisted into such a circus.

 
If there’s accident after accident at one intersection, some form of government will put up lights or a stop sign. They change the law for that intersection.
If a company can hide money and not pay taxes, the government moves to plug the loop hole. The same should hold true for your electoral system.

 

   Let’s look at what could be done.
   Come on America, cut down the time it takes to pick Presidential Candidates. Let’s say 6 months tops. The way it stands now, the Kardashians could go through at least 5 marriages in the time it takes you to pick a candidate.
Change your Constitution to supply the American people with a “Guarantee” for the winner of this Presidential pageant. Something like;
“If for any reason, I cannot complete my term or if I do or say something utterly ridiculous, I will step down and the runner up assumes the responsibilities of President”.
You could even add some rules, using Donald Trumps Miss Universe Pageant as a rough benchmark.
— must be over 5 foot 3
— You must look good in a bathing suit.
— remove all unwanted body hair
— must not father or give birth
— If mouthing off turns out to be your “talent”…out you go
— If your ego is larger than the country you represent… it’s runner up time.

 
Common sense dictates something has to change in America. Just change the rules. You’ve even got other World leaders asking Obama, what the hell is going on. As a Canadian, I have to say that this American Election is supplying the World with lots of great conversations and a ton of laughs. So for that, I thank you. Oh, I have to go, “Hey, you damn beavers, “GET OFF MY LAWN !”

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Comedian and Speaker)

Get Off Of My Promo Pic400x300

 

How to Handle a Presidential Heckler

Hecklers

“Two of the greatest Hecklers of all time”–Bryan Cox

Hillary Clinton got heckled the other day. Her response was, “You’re Rude.” Ok, in my mind, that was being to nice. What the candidates need, is to hire a comedian. There is no one better to write “Heckler Handlers.” The unwritten rule for comedians, is to allow the heckler 3 shots at you, then have the person tossed out. I say to all US Presidential Candidates, don’t toss them after the first shot. Give them the same treatment they’re giving you…a little disrespect. Sure you might get into a bit of trouble for it but it would make for a nice bit on the News. As Trump can testify to, “There’s no such thing as bad press.” Here are few suggestions for all of you.

Hillary

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         “I would like you to go to the bathroom and buy a condom…because if you’re going to be a dick, you might as well dress like one.”—Hillary

 

Christie “I could come over there and just *sit* on you. I’m being nice because… I took the letter H out of that.” — Christie

 

Cruz                                                                            “See what happens when we let Canadians in here. What happened to being polite?” — Cruz

 

Rubio

“Well, look what rode in on the “Little Bus””. —Rubio

Carson

“This is why we should teach everything we know about birth control, to our kids.” —Carson

Trump

            “You can stay, but you’re another reason a “wall” is a good idea.” —Trump

Sanders

“You’re so confused you probably think Fleetwood Mac is something from McDonalds.” — Sanders

Bush

  “We have something in common. My poll number seems to match your IQ number.”—Bush

Huckabee

                                  “People ask me “What do you get when cousins mate?”….One, a person that believes Fox News, and the other is that person right there.”—Huckabee.

 

Fiorina

“Nice to see a person that finally has a handle on News Issues, even though it takes him 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes””— Fiorina

Kasich

“Just before the speech tonight that’s the guy that stared at an orange juice container for 3 hours …because it said “concentrate”” — Kasich

Of course none of these folks actually said these lines, but maybe they should start. Any of the candidates can feel free to mix and match any of these, but all I’m saying is “please be a bit more creative” and if all else fails, look to John McCain’s line…”Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

 

Get Off Of My Promo Pic400x300

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

What You Can’t Wear … To Vote (part 2)

paper-dolls-small

   Canada’s election is fully underway. Very soon we’ll be asked to go to the polls and make our well educated X count. I contacted Elections Canada and they supplied me with some shocking information. Looks like Canada’s Election Fashion Police will be out in full force because there’s a law about what you wear while voting. Here’s what Elections Canada send me…
       166. (1) No person shall
o    (a) post or display in, or on the exterior surface of, a polling place any campaign literature or other material that could be taken as an indication of support for or opposition to a political party that is listed on the ballot under the name of a candidate or the election of a candidate;
o    (b) while in a polling station, wear any emblem, flag, banner or other thing that indicates that the person supports or opposes any candidate or political party that is listed on the ballot under the name of a candidate, or the political or other opinions entertained, or supposed to be entertained, by the candidate or party; and
o    (c) in a polling station or in any place where voting at an election is taking place, influence electors to vote or refrain from voting or vote or refrain from voting for a particular candidate.

   Oh Yes kids, what you wear might get you tossed out of your polling station. You can not wear a logo from any registered Canadian political party. They can ask you to remove the item or they can remove you.
Let’s have a look. A real westerner, shows up to vote in BC, SK, AB, NWT and your child is in the fashionable One-Zee …
Bloc One-Z
   You can’t use the excuse that you really thought the Bloc Quebecois was just a French lego type toy. Sorry, you can be turned away at the polls, even if the nearest Bloc candidate is 1000 miles away.

   If you’re feeling a little animalistic and are looking at the Rhinoceros Party just remember, that in a CTV interview the 8 time candidate Francois Gourd said, “We are a Marxist-Lennonist party you see here, From Groucho Marx to John Lennon.”
Rhino Party
   Please stay away from any clothing that even hints at the Rhinoceros, like our subtle sample above.

   The Green Party has come out with something that will surely get you booted out of any poll on election day. The Green Party has embraced the Mother of invention. After a tough day of tree hugging and you know what hugging leads to, yes, tree kissing. The party has come up with something that will help you… Green Party Lip Balm
Lip_Balm_600d0cd0-bbbd-410d-9b43-45bf773f05fb_medium
   Which makes me think of the best pick up line in the Green Party, “Hey is that a lip balm in your pocket or are you…..”

   Pass the nachos please. Another Party that you cannot portray in any way at the poll on election day is Canada’s Marijuana Party. When asked for ID at the poll, don’t, with your cheezy stained fingers, show them your medical marijuana card. If you’re dressed in this;
marijuana Party
   Don’t worry, everyone is looking at you, you’re not paranoid. This is a no no.

   With all that you can’t wear at the polls please remember that it is legal to be TOPLESS. What ever you do, don’t dance in. This would bring a whole new meaning to “POLE Dancing.” But if all you were wearing was this fine accessory from the Liberal Party… you will be turfed out.
PIC OF LIBERAL
   The Election Fashion Police can ask you to remove such clothing. Remember if you take this off, you’ll have no where to tuck all those 5’s that have been thrown at you.

   You are the cool one, got places pierced, got some tatts but nothing says “rebel” more than getting out to vote. You might change the whole country. Just watch out there are great tattoos but then there’s this one…
Conservative Tattoo
   Oh come on, if you got that…I would pay all the money from my g-string, to watch them try to remove it.

   We in Canada have, get this, The Pirate Party. It real and legit. Elections Canada tells us that nothing that says Pirate can be worn. Please put away your knee high boots, sword, tri-tipped hat complete with feathers. The parrot goes back in the cage for another 4 years. Even if your optometrist has told you to keep it on, you might have to remove this if you want to vote…
pirate-party-eye-patch-300x244
   The Pirate Party Eye Patch is something that might cause a big mess at the poll, because the Government is starting to mess with peoples physical disabilities.

   You can see what can and cannot be worn in Canada. Speaking of the Government messing with freedoms. Here is one thing, if it was to ever happen, that would throw Canada for a big loop. We’d have to hold 5 or 6 Royal Commissions, go to Supreme Court and hold a National discussion.
Just imagine that is someone was to walk into a polling station wearing this…WOW, Do you remove it or not?
N D P Niqab 2
   Really folks, I think people know who they are going to vote for by the time they reach the voting booth. How many of us have gone out to vote and at the last minute saw a button or sign and said, “Hey I’m changing my vote” I really hope you got a smile out of what this archaic election law could mean. Let’s get all your friends and anyone who you know that would go topless and GET OUT AND VOTE or Hey, Get Off My Lawn!

BRYAN COX, (Radio Host/Speaker/Comedian/Author/Lover of ther Back/Slash

Get Off Of My Promo Pic400x300

Hey Get Off My Lawn Webpage

How to Laugh at Adversity (The Talk)

How to be BANNED from Voting In Canada !

   In most Canadian Provinces you can show up to vote, topless. Did you know, that if caught wearing certain clothing, you will become ineligible, yes, banned from voting in Election 2015?

   Elections Canada have said, if you wear a badge or t-shirt with any political party or candidate’s logo on it, you will be turned away. Even if you we’re wearing a Bloc Quebecois shirt and they aren’t running anyone within 900 miles from your polling station. I found out those polling station folks have no sense of humour when I showed up last election to vote in this T-Shirt…

enhanced-19763-1439409292-6

If you show up wearing something like this, you WILL BE ALLOWED to vote… that would be cool! I think I’ll show up wearing some Duck Tape.

miley-cyrus-mtv-vma-2015

The big thing these days is to show off a company logo on whatever. Nike, Hello Kitty, DKNY etc. This is amazing continuous advertising that the shopper will gladly pay for. Who ever came up with that idea should be given some kind of Advertising God award. People will advertise for you and they pay you to do it.

When it comes to some brands watch out or no voting for you. How about this sweatshirt and kids clothes from NDP Appearal…

enhanced-5418-1439407948-2enhanced-7881-1439408399-1

NO voting for you kiddo, if you’re caught wearing these brand name jeans… 

enhanced-17537-1439408501-1

Or if you have the urge to wear your favourite Muppet shirt to the polls, the Green Party and Canada’s Election Fashion Police will turf you quicker than if you rode in on an aerosol can wearing a baby seal coat. 

not-easy-being-green-kermit

I guess the biggest thing to watch out for, is who you love and if you want to tell the World about your un-dying love…

enhanced-28432-1439408648-1

SORRY NO voting in Canada for you.

When it come to voting in Canada’s Election 2015 remember just get out there and do it. Show them that it’s, You Care, It’s Not What You Wear.

COME ON, people have a pretty good idea of who they are going to vote for, long before they enter the polling station. Displaying a logo on a shirt isn’t going to change their mind and give one party a leg up on another. If you think it will, or if you can be swayed with something so MINOR, well, those are the people I want off my lawn. No wait, I don’t want those people within a hundred miles of my lawn.

Bryan Cox

Radio Host/Author/Voice Actor/Lover of the Backslash

Get Off Of My Promo Pic400x300

Walkers Canadian Wall

Wisconsin Gov and Presidential candidate Scott Walker or as Canada calls him…”Who”, wants to build a wall along the Canadian border. Has eating all that cheese in Wisconsin bunged up your thinking a bit? Looks like your doing a “copy and paste” of another candidate’s idea. The Commandment says…”Thou shall NOT steal.”
Canada has an election on at this moment as well. I’m waiting for Canada’s candidates for Prime Minister to respond in kind.

NDP
LIB
PC

Rumour has it, The Liberals, NDP’s and Progressive Conservative’s, not the Green Party, because nobody really takes them seriously kind of like a Scott Walker trying to become President. Anyway all have met in a secret bunker and what this reporter has found out will shock.
    When the US North Wall is built, expect Canada to erect a huge speaker systems and blast your fine citizens with Neil Young, Justin Bieber, Leonard Cohen, Nickelback music 24 hours a day.

SPeaker

This will only cease when Canada will broadcast play by play of Lacrosse games.  Oh and you thought the War of 1812 (which Canada won BTW) was bad, just wait.

Star Pic

The US will have to keep some Canadians already down there like Ted Cruz, Justin Bieber, Jim Carrey, Seth Rogen, Ryan Reynolds and Norm MacDonald.

Unknown

 He could be a Colonel in your Armed Forces. Plus a ton more hiding in plain sight. We in turn we want Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson back, because he used to play in the Canadian Football League and his Dad is a canuk plus Dwayne is just cool. Anyone else from south of the border that is already working in Canada will be allow to stay. As Canadians say, “Love Americans, they’re our Mexicans.” With that said, Americans will have a real choice on their hands, do you vacation in Mexico where your dollar buys so much or vacation in Canada where your dollar buys just as much? That’s why it’s always so windy in the US…the Mexican Peso BLOWS and the Canadian Dollar SUCKS. 

America you have the elite fight force “The Seals” but watch out for Canada’s secret force…”The Beavers”. I’ve found out that after your wall is built along the 49th, millions of Beavers will be called into service to gnaw through stone, wood metal and bring it down.
images-1
America, everyone of you knows…never piss off a beaver.
Mel Beaver
OK Scott Walker go ahead and build your little wall, built it out of cheese for all we care. This will give Canada a chance to figure out who you are and why you want to keep us out. Right now, when all others are “running” to become President…you Sir, are just a WALKER and by the way “Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

Bryan Cox 
CANADIAN/Radio Host/Producer/Writer/Comedian/Lover of the Back-Slash/