Posts Tagged ‘Stupid’

The Top 8 Things Donald Trump Will Do After

After months and months of nauseous, continuous coverage of Clinton and Trump, most folks want it to be over. So when it is actually over, this begs the question, what then for Donald Trump?

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The Top 8 things Donald Trump Will Do After The Election.

 

—He’ll hold gender sensitivity seminars for NFL Players.

—You remember you were told, when a boy hits or bullies you, it means he’s hot for you? The Donald will divorce and marry again. Happy Happy wedding day Megyn Kelly.

—Donald Trump could start up a luggage line, selling Bags of Deplorables.

—Mr. Trump will become buddies with more of Russia’s leadership. You can never have enough “Red Ties.”

—Rumour has it, He’ll record a new version of the Johnny Cash hit… “A Boy Named, I’ll Sue”

—Watch for the launch of Trump TV. He’ll put the Trump twist on some of the top rating getters like, “Orange is the New Trump”, “The Walking Trump”, Game of Trump Thrones” and so on.

 
— Don’t miss “The Donald Trump Hockey School.” This is where you’ll learn to, skate on taxes.

—The Donald will start up an on-line Men’s Discount Club called, “Grope-On.”

Just a few suggestions and thoughts for Mr. Trump if things don’t go your way in this election. For me, I’d like both candidates, “Off My Lawn”

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Comedian, Speaker)

Is GM Helping Perverts?

  Now with my tongue planted securely in my cheek, I shall continue.

 

   Video games, movies and TV have been blamed for teaching violence. How many times have we heard in the wake of a tragic event, “It was a movie that gave him that idea.” People get ideas about the most sick things from media or maybe playing a Beatles album backwards.

 

   Now, GM is walking a very thin line when it comes to giving the sick…ideas. Is it just me that finds this creepy, but have you seen the TV commercial where an older man is inviting kids to play a video game then tells them to get in a GM vehicle because it has free Wi-Fi and everyone can play? The reason I explained the commercial is because as soon as GM reads this they’ll take this video off of YouTube.

 

 

   We all know the reasoning behind the spot. Get kids to tell their parents to buy GM because of Wi-Fi.
Parents have never been more vigilant about protecting their kids from the sick and perverted in our society.
I guess that GM has moved the perverts into a new age with free Wi-Fi. No longer will they use the old ploys, “Hey kid, I have this lost puppy” or “Do you want some candy?” Now parents will have to watch out for this….

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Come on GM get with the program and find another way to promote free Wi-Fi in your vehicles. Until then, “Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Stand-Up and Speaker)

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The Top 8 New North Carolina Concerts

“First in Flight” that’s what it says on North Carolina license plates. Maybe they should change that to “First to Slight.” Their draconian anti-gay laws are causing shock waves Worldwide. 

 

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 Entertainers have stepped up and refused to play the State because of it. The list is growing day by day, Bruce Springsteen, Miley Cyrus, Ringo Starr even Circus du Soleil. I say, don’t worry North Carolina, there are a lot of acts out there that will keep you entertained.

 

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Some acts haven’t cancelled but have spoken out against your anti-gay laws, like Jimmy Buffett, who by the way, hasn’t had a real hit since 1977. You’ll still be able to see Cyndi Lauper, who had a massive hit in 1983 and Greg Allman will still perform and I’m sure you’ll sing along with his hit “Ramblin’ Man” from 1973. Sounds to me you welcome the old acts. Next it’ll be “The Spinners”, not the singing act but the guy that spins plates on sticks, whose last big gig was on the “Ed Sullivan Show.”

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This summer look for an action packed replacement Concert Calender North Carolina.
                         — Rock out to “Bruce Springstern”, a very “serious” cover band.
                         — Then “Bingo Stars” will be drumming on fresh deer hide stretched over 50 gallon oil drums” Like the Blue Man Group but with a twinge of “Hillbilly”
                         — For all old North Carolina men, it’s the must see replacement Miley Cyrus concert….. Just a stripper.

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Don’t cry Circus fans, replacing the amazing Circus du Soleil there’s “Billy Bob’s Armadillo and Flea Circus.” The kids will be itching to go to that one.
   We can’t forget what North Carolina is known for, Comedy. This summer and all through the year, you’ll be treated to entertainments best Comedians. All the laughs will be supplied by the politicians you voted for.

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2016 called and they want you to join in North Carolina. Until then “Hey Get Off My Lawn”

 

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Speaker, Author)

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New Rules for the US President

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks to supporters at an event at the Myrtle Beach Convention Center in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, November 24, 2015.  REUTERS/Randall Hill - RTX1VPG6

 Hey, Mr and Mrs America, as a Canadian sitting here in my igloo, eating moose stew with maple syrup and getting ready to go out and feed an RCMP horse, I can’t help but notice your electoral system. Speaking as an outsider, you really have some crazies using the system legally.
    One good thing to come out of your process is, it’s kept comedians and media commentators working, which I’m sure are reflected in the US employment numbers. I’m pretty sure your forefathers never imagined how the system could be twisted into such a circus.

 
If there’s accident after accident at one intersection, some form of government will put up lights or a stop sign. They change the law for that intersection.
If a company can hide money and not pay taxes, the government moves to plug the loop hole. The same should hold true for your electoral system.

 

   Let’s look at what could be done.
   Come on America, cut down the time it takes to pick Presidential Candidates. Let’s say 6 months tops. The way it stands now, the Kardashians could go through at least 5 marriages in the time it takes you to pick a candidate.
Change your Constitution to supply the American people with a “Guarantee” for the winner of this Presidential pageant. Something like;
“If for any reason, I cannot complete my term or if I do or say something utterly ridiculous, I will step down and the runner up assumes the responsibilities of President”.
You could even add some rules, using Donald Trumps Miss Universe Pageant as a rough benchmark.
— must be over 5 foot 3
— You must look good in a bathing suit.
— remove all unwanted body hair
— must not father or give birth
— If mouthing off turns out to be your “talent”…out you go
— If your ego is larger than the country you represent… it’s runner up time.

 
Common sense dictates something has to change in America. Just change the rules. You’ve even got other World leaders asking Obama, what the hell is going on. As a Canadian, I have to say that this American Election is supplying the World with lots of great conversations and a ton of laughs. So for that, I thank you. Oh, I have to go, “Hey, you damn beavers, “GET OFF MY LAWN !”

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Author, Comedian and Speaker)

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How a DUI gets you into Canadian Politics

 

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   Looks like a DUI criminal charge isn’t as bad as a free speech comment on Facebook. It’s election time in Saskatchewan. The NDP have 2 candidates with DUI charges and 4 with Facebook charges that make you say, “Just how stupid can a person be.” The NDP have dropped the 4 Facebookers, but allowed the DUI’ers to run in the election.

 

 

  The Sask Party have 3 DUI’ers that are running in the election.
   Some of the candidates have multiple DUI charges, which means they can’t even enter the USA, for example. Why would you let a person that can’t enter a country due to criminal offences, help run a Province and Canada?
It’s been proven that drunk drivers have driven this way many times before getting caught. As you all know, drunk drivers put lives at risk, yes, people die because of their actions. They show blatant disregard for human life. Yet the NDP and the Sask Party let them run. How can either party stand up against drunk driving now?

 
   We all agree that Facebook comments can sometimes be cutting and above all, stupid. If one was going to be a candidate in an election the first thing they should do is take down their Facebook page. Why they didn’t think of that in the first place, really shows stupidity. The NDP has dropped 4 candidates because of stupid comments they made on Facebook. Sure the comments were ignorant, but we have free speech in Canada. We are allowed to show the country just how ignorant we are. People have died to protect free speech. The NDP have now come out and said, that free speech in not within party guidelines. Let the people decide if those comments are worth ruining a persons chance of helping a Province.

 
   As voters we are now left to vote for drunk drivers, who are way above stupid but can’t vote for just ignorant candidates. Both the NDP and the Sask Party should remember the old saying, “Sticks, a drunk driver and stones will break my bones even kill me, but names will never hurt me.”

 

 

 

To the NDP and The Saskatchwan Party… “Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

 

Bryan Cox (Author, Comic, Speaker, Radio Host)

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How to Handle a Presidential Heckler

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“Two of the greatest Hecklers of all time”–Bryan Cox

Hillary Clinton got heckled the other day. Her response was, “You’re Rude.” Ok, in my mind, that was being to nice. What the candidates need, is to hire a comedian. There is no one better to write “Heckler Handlers.” The unwritten rule for comedians, is to allow the heckler 3 shots at you, then have the person tossed out. I say to all US Presidential Candidates, don’t toss them after the first shot. Give them the same treatment they’re giving you…a little disrespect. Sure you might get into a bit of trouble for it but it would make for a nice bit on the News. As Trump can testify to, “There’s no such thing as bad press.” Here are few suggestions for all of you.

Hillary

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         “I would like you to go to the bathroom and buy a condom…because if you’re going to be a dick, you might as well dress like one.”—Hillary

 

Christie “I could come over there and just *sit* on you. I’m being nice because… I took the letter H out of that.” — Christie

 

Cruz                                                                            “See what happens when we let Canadians in here. What happened to being polite?” — Cruz

 

Rubio

“Well, look what rode in on the “Little Bus””. —Rubio

Carson

“This is why we should teach everything we know about birth control, to our kids.” —Carson

Trump

            “You can stay, but you’re another reason a “wall” is a good idea.” —Trump

Sanders

“You’re so confused you probably think Fleetwood Mac is something from McDonalds.” — Sanders

Bush

  “We have something in common. My poll number seems to match your IQ number.”—Bush

Huckabee

                                  “People ask me “What do you get when cousins mate?”….One, a person that believes Fox News, and the other is that person right there.”—Huckabee.

 

Fiorina

“Nice to see a person that finally has a handle on News Issues, even though it takes him 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes””— Fiorina

Kasich

“Just before the speech tonight that’s the guy that stared at an orange juice container for 3 hours …because it said “concentrate”” — Kasich

Of course none of these folks actually said these lines, but maybe they should start. Any of the candidates can feel free to mix and match any of these, but all I’m saying is “please be a bit more creative” and if all else fails, look to John McCain’s line…”Hey, Get Off My Lawn”

 

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Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

Political Correctness Over The Edge

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   Political Correctness is a subject that translates emotions from both sides of the fence into an exploding war of words. Discussion is good. So we’re going to discuss, names.

 

From one side of the fence when a person calls for a name change for a sports team, a mall or whatever, the other side thinks that group or person, “has way to much time on their hands.” If you keep reading, you’ll realize that I too, have way to much time.

 
   Recently in Canada, Natan Obed, president of Inuit Tapiriit Kanatami, a national Inuit organization, called for a name change of the CFL’s Edmonton Eskimos. He thinks the name is derogatory to First Nations peoples. This is a lot like what the Washington Redskins are going through. Speaking as an old school white guy, ok “Redskins” might be pushing the boundary a bit. We can all understand that one.

 
   If you want to get silly about things, the Chicago Bears or Detroit Lions should have PETA in a fighting mad mood. How can you malign good animals that? So what’s next, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers pissing off a Somalian Pirate Assoc.? The CFL’s Ottawa Red Blacks will have to do a name change, because I’m sure there’s a Communist Afro-Canadian Organization. Another sport will be touched as well, Womans Hockey. They’ll have to come up with a new name for each 20 minutes of play. There will be some feminist group complaining about the word “Period.”

 
   I’m mentioned all this because I’ve grown up with a name that could offend someone. When I worked in radio I had more than one boss ask me to change my name. “Cox” might offend people is what I heard. I grew up with the name and I’m proud of the name my Father gave me. So it’s not going to change. That explanation was good enough for any station I worked at. Do I stand up and yell that the poultry business having to change the name of Roosters? Oh Boo-hoo, someone might construe that I’m gutless and might think I’m a chicken. Bite me! I can’t tell how many times through school and at radio events that someone, thinking they’re so smart, has called me “Harry” or “Is your sisters name Anita?”. Now, as a stand-up comic, I can make fun of my name and I’m getting paid to do it. Who’s the smart one now?

 
   They say, that if you are picked on a lot, you grow up either really tough or you develop a sense of humour. I chose the latter. A lot of us wish that these complainers would do the same. Laughter is a gift, use it or Get Off My Lawn.

Bryan Cox (Radio Host, Comedian, Author, Speaker)

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